Becoming a mother was not as easy journey, and now, knowing what I know, I understand that it may never be. For being a Mama takes your whole heart and I never knew it could be so full of joy, love and happiness or so full of fear, frustration and doubt. I remember having a conversation with my husband about hearing our little Nico cry. He couldn't understand why I just couldn't leave him, and I tried explaining how when our little ones are sad or in pain, it actually hurts my heart. It is not a choice or an overdramatic 'I must save my babies in this traumatic time', it's an uncontrolled physical reaction. My husband jokes that even as adults, my siblings and I are still attached to my parents by the umbilical cord. So often, that is what it feels like with my boys, like we have an invisible bond. I can understand what they need so much of the time without them having to say the words, or the right words in the case of Kai when he is upset.
Don't misunderstand me. I know it is very important for me to have an identity and adventures outside of my children. For me it is necessary and healthy, and I am lucky to have a husband who understands and supports this as well. I know that I am a better mother (and wife and friend, and overall human being) when I am taking care of myself. When I am filled up with calm and peace and joy, and feel beautiful and loved, I have so much more to give to those around me. And I love giving. Keeping a balance between self and home and work is a constant challenge for mothers, and I am no exception. I deeply wish that I had enough time and energy to be working full time (as I love my job) and at home full time. But I digress...that is another story altogether.
What is Mamahood for me?
It is being able to understand my boys without words.
It is getting to be the one who 'teaches good and gentle stuff' as Kai says, and also being so lucky to receive the hugs and kisses and cuddles they so love.
It is taking another deep breath and remembering that I am their role model and guide on this very tricky journey called growing up.
It is going on adventures or making the mundane into our own version of n aadventure.
It is repeating myself multiple times in a row, endless times a day.
It is being a safe space for my boys to be themselves and to melt down and to share their unbridled joy.
Oh, the sheer joy of being a child...I am so glad I am privy to experiencing it again, and again.
Mamahood is reflecting on why my values, beliefs and assumptions are important, and if they aren't, to be able to give them up.
It is pushing my boys when I know they are capable of being more than their worries and fears, and holding a hand when they aren't ready to be alone.
It is wanting to spend every second with them, and then needing time and space right now to be alone and untouched.
Mamahood is so complicated and so simple. It is me being me and guiding them to be them.
So on this day of celebration, when we get asked what we want to do and we have no idea because there is rarely a moment we think of ourselves...just take a deep breath, and know no matter what we do, it is who we are that counts. And if I am appreciated even close to how much I appreciate my own mother, I am indeed in the midst of constant celebration.
In the words on my 5-year old:
I love you, Mama. Everybody loves moms. They are the best in the whole family.
