The phone rang in the middle of the night
My brother in law told me that my sister had asked him to call me because she couldn’t speak
My mom was in the hospital
She was rushed there after not being able to breathe
She toured three hospitals that night
Being airlifted to one as they thought she might not make it but they still weren’t sure what was happening
As it was in the midst of a global pandemic my dad couldn’t even be by her side
I remember one time that first week he snuck in to see her and I had never been so proud of his devious ways
Usually he reserved his trickery for card games with the grandkids
She was in a coma on a ventilator for days
Tubes, so many tubes,
sucking liquid out of her lungs from an esophageal rupture
Her body fighting for life and getting so tired
We didn’t know if she would make it out
And my world fell apart
All of our worlds went into slow motion,
Like an old black and white episode of The Twilight Zone
I tried to remain hopeful
But could only think about how my life would never be the same without her in it
And I cried endlessly in my bed
Putting on the bravest face possible when the boys asked if I was okay.
I told them I was so sad that their grandma was sick but we hoped she would be better soon
And they quietly hugged me and gave me space to be
We gathered in a park near her final hospital
Holding vigil and waiting to hear from my dad that she was okay.
The kids played and climbed trees and found a snake pit with inhabitants that scared some and fascinated others
And we had to stand six feet apart because, you know, the pandemic,
When all we really needed was hugs.
I know my mom knew we were nearby that day because she came back to us
She said she felt our strength and love wrapped around her every single day
and she was right,
just as hers had been wrapped around us every single moment of our lives.
One afternoon my sister and I decided to share our extreme gratitude to those who Mom called her ‘hundreds of guardian angels’ at the hospital
(Truth be told, we hoped to sneak in a visit with her, even from afar)
So we packed up a basket of goodies
Called Mom from the parking lot so we could wave at each other through her window,
But we could only leave her a voicemail.
By some act of a Higher Power,
we were let up to the nurses station
at a time when only the necessary were allowed entrance to the building
filled with those who were fighting a never-ending battle on the world stage
or those who needed saving
Those blessed nurses checked to see if our mom was awake so we could see her from afar
(In typical style she was well-loved by everyone who knew her)
But she was resting so she could return home to us and we said our thank-yous and headed back to the car
As we got in, my phone rang
My Mom had gotten our message
And we hastily returned with the hope of seeing her
I can’t even begin to describe the fullness and ache in my heart when we saw her
Hospital gown, bandanna and fuzzy socks
Sitting on a chair to where her nursing friends had helped her walk
So that we could wave and air hug and talk to her
And overflow with love not only from us
But from our dad and our siblings and our spouses and her grandchildren
All of whom would have been there in a split second if they knew it was possible to have even a moment breathing the same air as her again
My world changed that night
When the phone call came in
and I was reminded how
fleeting and delicate life can be.
I have since had a Mary Oliver quote tattooed on my arm,
that says:
“Tell me, what do you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
I do not always make the most convenient or easy choices
And maybe they are not always right,
But my Mom has shown us to embrace the world and all it has to offer,
So I choose to live life this way as well.
Perhaps the day the world changed
was the day I changed as well.
