On Being a Mama

I never want to stop being called Mama.  I don't want Mom, as that means my boys are growing up and don't need me as much anymore.  Motherhood is so complex and complicated in many ways, but yet so simple.  And on this day dedicated to mothers, I return to reflection on what being a mother has been for me.

Becoming a mother was not as easy journey, and now, knowing what I know, I understand that it may never be.  For being a Mama takes your whole heart and I never knew it could be so full of joy, love and happiness or so full of fear, frustration and doubt.  I remember having a conversation with my husband about hearing our little Nico cry.  He couldn't understand why I just couldn't leave him, and I tried explaining how when our little ones are sad or in pain, it actually hurts my heart.  It is not a choice or an overdramatic 'I must save my babies in this traumatic time', it's an uncontrolled physical reaction.  My husband jokes that even as adults, my siblings and I are still attached to my parents by the umbilical cord.  So often, that is what it feels like with my boys, like we have an invisible bond.  I can understand what they need so much of the time without them having to say the words, or the right words in the case of Kai when he is upset.

Don't misunderstand me.  I know it is very important for me to have an identity and adventures outside of my children.  For me it is necessary and healthy, and I am lucky to have a husband who understands and supports this as well.  I know that I am a better mother (and wife and friend, and overall human being) when I am taking care of myself.  When I am filled up with calm and peace and joy, and feel beautiful and loved, I have so much more to give to those around me.  And I love giving. Keeping a balance between self and home and work is a constant challenge for mothers, and I am no exception.  I deeply wish that I had enough time and energy to be working full time (as I love my job) and at home full time.  But I digress...that is another story altogether.

What is Mamahood for me?

It is being able to understand my boys without words.
It is getting to be the one who 'teaches good and gentle stuff' as Kai says, and also being so lucky to receive the hugs and kisses and cuddles they so love.
It is taking another deep breath and remembering that I am their role model and guide on this very tricky journey called growing up.
It is going on adventures or making the mundane into our own version of n aadventure.
It is repeating myself multiple times in a row, endless times a day.
It is being a safe space for my boys to be themselves and to melt down and to share their unbridled joy.
Oh, the sheer joy of being a child...I am so glad I am privy to experiencing it again, and again.

Mamahood is reflecting on why my values, beliefs and assumptions are important, and if they aren't, to be able to give them up.
It is pushing my boys when I know they are capable of being more than their worries and fears, and holding a hand when they aren't ready to be alone.
It is wanting to spend every second with them, and then needing time and space right now to be alone and untouched.

Mamahood is so complicated and so simple.  It is me being me and guiding them to be them.

So on this day of celebration, when we get asked what we want to do and we have no idea because there is rarely a moment we think of ourselves...just take a deep breath, and know no matter what we do, it is who we are that counts.  And if I am appreciated even close to how much I appreciate my own mother, I am indeed in the midst of constant celebration.

In the words on my 5-year old:

I love you, Mama.  Everybody loves moms.  They are the best in the whole family.

Around here..

Around here we are in constant activity.  Not a day goes by when, after playing on the playground after school for an hour, we get home and Kai wants a play date.  Not a second goes by when we don't have something to do.

Around here Nico is constantly smiling and happy, no matter what is happening (like the three teeth he is currently getting) or where we are.  He just loves to be alive and taking in the world and people around him.

Around here Kai and Nico are so in awe of each other.  It is amazing to witness.

Around here my body is tired more days than not, as my Sun Run training draws to a finale and I attempt to return to my old rhythms of fitness.

Around here we are in the midst of spring confusion...rain, sun, winter coat, tshirt.  Oh Vancouver, how we love you and are able to wear the same wardrobe (in layers) year-round.

Ode to My Thighs

Thighs, oh powerful thighs
You give me strength,
are an opening for tenderness
and lead the way in my celebration of all things,
     great and small

You helped me bring my two boys into the world
and give them a place to curl up tight or lay their heads when they need love,
and a lap on which to play

Thighs, oh powerful thighs,
You hold my body through a workout
and let out a soft sigh afterwards when we slide into the bath

You draw eyes toward you and love when I show you off

Thighs, oh wonderful thighs
I bow down to your grace,
                                your strength,
                                        your beauty.

Ode to My Wrists

Dear Wrists,

You are the innocence within a body whose parts have faced harsh judgments.
Your slender elegance a reminder of the pose I cannot always find.
A quiet strength in the midst of a cacophony of movement.

My Tummy, My Teacher

My dearest tummy,

I know I have written odes to my thighs and wrists and perhaps you were waiting for me to wax poetic for you as well.  We do love the romance, don't we.  However, upon reflection, I have come to realize that instead, I owe you a world of gratitude.

Recently I have come to the conclusion that I have been hard on you.  Judgmental and impatient even.  I have wished you away, longing instead for a younger, sleeker model.  Yes, it was shallow of me, I know.  Especially in light of what you are teaching me.

You have played many roles throughout my life and I am thankful for them all.

You have been svelte and defined, allowing me to flaunt you and celebrate you with form-fitting clothing, fun jewelry and a general sense of sass and flirtation. 

You have been strong and lean, enabling me to compete and perform at my physical peak.

You have been a pillow upon which rests the head of my loved ones.

You have twice been the home within which the most precious gifts of life, my sons, have grown and thrived.  For this role, words of gratitude will never be enough.

So many roles, yet you still continue to give and to teach,

You are teaching me the importance of knowing when it is time to be soft or the time to be hard.  Both are important.  I just need to listen and trust myself.

You are teaching me that flexibility and the willingness to stretch myself further than I thought possible can bring beautiful results.

You are challenging me to accept myself every day and find beauty in exactly where I am in every moment.

You are reminding me to focus on what is important in life.

You are giving me perspective.

My one and only tummy, thank you for what you have given me and continue to give.

Sincerely,
Me.

Me Today: March 2013

1.  Loving having Marc on holiday with me.  It has been twice this year, Christmas and now, and it is so luxurious and restful!

2.  Enjoying our clean Spring Break house, as we have time to maintain it all.  Looking for ways to continue this while working.

3.  Trying out a new, more standard monthly meal plan using 16 dishes we like that I know how to make, plus Marc's own creations for Thursday nights.  All recipes are typed up with ingredients, directions and weekly shopping lists...excited to see if it works.

4.  20 weeks pregnant and feeling pretty good. Except for one fairly regular 4-5 a.m. hunger wake-up I'm sleeping well and have pretty good energy.  We have the ultrasound Tuesday - hope to find out the sex of the baby.

5.  Finally did some Project Life scrapbooking from as far back as September.  Mostly just placing and commenting on printed photos, but it felt good.

6.  Looking at summer off and making plans for Kai and I.  Hoping I have energy to entertain him.

7.  Looking at getting back to yoga with Damiani.  Almost 3 weeks off...my body is getting restless, but it was nice having a break in routine.

8.  Mark working from home...it's nice to have dinner together.

9.  Thinking about how to get a dishwasher...

Zen and the Art of Running

Okay, let's be clear - I am not a runner.  I have been an athlete of sorts all my life, competitive through university and continuing for fun since then.  However, I play sports and the only running I have done has either been part of those sports (basketball and field hockey in particular) or as training for them.  Although I understand the benefits of running, I have never enjoyed it by itself.  When I ask people why and how they enjoy it, usually they respond with some craziness like 'it let's me turn off my brain' or 'I like being out in nature and appreciating the view while I run.' Really?  Your brain doesn't just keep noticing how heavy your legs feel and how bored you are?  Your eyes don't keep checking your watch to see how long you have to go until this monotonous activity is over?  Don't get me wrong, I know my body and mind need exercise to stay strong and healthy, and I love how I feel after I run (and actually how good I feel during most activities except running by itself)...I just have never understand the zen side of running.  Until Saturday.

Two weeks ago I began the Sun Run Training Program as a way to get back into shape after gaining a whopping 50 pounds with my second pregnancy.  What I know about myself is that I need people (other than myself) to whom I am accountable for showing up and following through on a fitness plan.  Perhaps this is why I mostly played team sports growing up.  Do I want to do a 10K race particularly?  No.  Do I think I can do it? Absolutely.  I have never doubted my ability to train and do most things, I have just never had the desire.  It won't be easy, especially 5 months after giving birth, but I am ready and looking forward to the challenge.

So along comes Saturday.  Week 2, run 2 of 3 this week.  Marc had taken Kai out for a long bike ride and I packed up Nico in the stroller and set out for what should be a pretty easy, short run.  I had not been in a good mental space for a few days, as I left my beloved camera in a taxi and obstacles kept stepping in my way of attending Mama Gena's Mastery Course.  I had just been Facebook conversing with some girlfriends who were sharing so many successes, and I was SO proud of them.  Yet it just made me feel like I was stuck and could not find a way through the walls that kept appearing in front of me.  So let's just say I was heading out on this run low on juice.  It was a very chilly winter day and the chill in my bones made me feel fresh instead of frozen.  As I headed towards a new neighbourhood, I actually started noticing interesting sights - like the cute little corner play area with benches, trees and a sandbox.  A great place to rest for future walks with my little ones.  Then I started finding that my mind was processing and slowing finding ways around the walls that had me 'stuck', without my focus on them at all.  About two-thirds of the way through the run I noticed that I had started trying to figure out how I was going to get these runs in when I had to go back to work after my maternity leave.  WHAT?!? Somehow my brain had decided that I was enjoying running enough that, without my willing it to, it was working out a future running plan?

For the rest of my run I truly began to see the shift in myself.  Running felt good.  I was out of my funk and starting to see possibilities where they never before existed.  I was appreciating the wonderful life I had that my entire family was out enjoying activity on this brisk day and would all return home refreshed.  When I returned home and was about to step in the shower, I saw a glimpse in the mirror of my pre-pregnancy body.  I was the same woman who left for a run an hour earlier, but who returned home to see a new version of herself.  Zen and the art of running...

My running buddy.