The Day My World Changed

The phone rang in the middle of the night

My brother in law told me that my sister had asked him to call me because she couldn’t speak

My mom was in the hospital

She was rushed there after not being able to breathe

She toured three hospitals that night

Being airlifted to one as they thought she might not make it but they still weren’t sure what was happening

As it was in the midst of a global pandemic my dad couldn’t even be by her side

I remember one time that first week he snuck in to see her and I had never been so proud of his devious ways

Usually he reserved his trickery for card games with the grandkids

She was in a coma on a ventilator for days

Tubes, so many tubes,

sucking liquid out of her lungs from an esophageal rupture

Her body fighting for life and getting so tired

We didn’t know if she would make it out

And my world fell apart

All of our worlds went into slow motion,

Like an old black and white episode of The Twilight Zone

I tried to remain hopeful

But could only think about how my life would never be the same without her in it

And I cried endlessly in my bed

Putting on the bravest face possible when the boys asked if I was okay.

I told them I was so sad that their grandma was sick but we hoped she would be better soon

And they quietly hugged me and gave me space to be

We gathered in a park near her final hospital

Holding vigil and waiting to hear from my dad that she was okay.

The kids played and climbed trees and found a snake pit with inhabitants that scared some and fascinated others

And we had to stand six feet apart because, you know, the pandemic,

When all we really needed was hugs.

I know my mom knew we were nearby that day because she came back to us

She said she felt our strength and love wrapped around her every single day

and she was right,

just as hers had been wrapped around us every single moment of our lives.

One afternoon my sister and I decided to share our extreme gratitude to those who Mom called her ‘hundreds of guardian angels’ at the hospital

(Truth be told, we hoped to sneak in a visit with her, even from afar)

So we packed up a basket of goodies

Called Mom from the parking lot so we could wave at each other through her window,

But we could only leave her a voicemail.

By some act of a Higher Power,

we were let up to the nurses station

at a time when only the necessary were allowed entrance to the building

filled with those who were fighting a never-ending battle on the world stage

or those who needed saving

Those blessed nurses checked to see if our mom was awake so we could see her from afar

(In typical style she was well-loved by everyone who knew her)

But she was resting so she could return home to us and we said our thank-yous and headed back to the car

As we got in, my phone rang

My Mom had gotten our message

And we hastily returned with the hope of seeing her

I can’t even begin to describe the fullness and ache in my heart when we saw her

Hospital gown, bandanna and fuzzy socks

Sitting on a chair to where her nursing friends had helped her walk

So that we could wave and air hug and talk to her

And overflow with love not only from us

But from our dad and our siblings and our spouses and her grandchildren

All of whom would have been there in a split second if they knew it was possible to have even a moment breathing the same air as her again

My world changed that night

When the phone call came in

and I was reminded how

fleeting and delicate life can be.

I have since had a Mary Oliver quote tattooed on my arm,

that says:

“Tell me, what do you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

I do not always make the most convenient or easy choices

And maybe they are not always right,

But my Mom has shown us to embrace the world and all it has to offer,

So I choose to live life this way as well.

Perhaps the day the world changed

was the day I changed as well.

Restless Ruminations in the Midst of Stillness

If you were to see me right now, I would appear as a statue, comfortably frozen atop our back patio furniture.  The sun is shining, a slight breeze is in the air, the birds are chattering and not a child is in sight.

This morning I had good intentions as I dropped the boys off at their camp.  I was going to donate blood, go to my yoga class and look for a new bike.  I have been sitting on the back porch for a few hours now, silent.  Before that I sat inside, motionless except for my spinning brain and bursting heart.  I keep thinking I should make use of this rare time without demands on me, but my body just won't move.  It is content to be still and to let the world move around me.  To stop and simply notice.  To pay attention.

As someone who has struggled and does struggle still with anxiety, I am always on the move.  Getting things done, checking them off my list and being on top of what is coming next has lent me a sense of control.  Many anxious people are calmed by a sense of control.  This year, however, I am spending time being in the moment and focusing on home.  On stopping and being with what is, grounding myself, checking in with my body and my mind to see what I truly need.  Simplifying.  Remembering what is truly important.  Not surprisingly, the less I do, the less I have to do.  The less I have, the less there is to take care of.  It is opening up these spaces in my life.  Space to simply be.  Space to do what makes me happy, what calls to me.  Space to pass time with my boys rather than rushing from one activity to the next.  Today it has given me the space to dream and to remember the importance of cultivating a life that is fully lived and full of love.

A life with these crazies is never dull. How I love my family...

Less is More: Belongings

As we enter into the third month of the year with my focus on home, I have noticed my trend toward less.  It naturally began with less 'stuff.'  Again, I went through the Konmari method and began critically evaluating my belongings piece by piece to see what was useful or brought me joy.  I have done this with clothes, books and paper before but it never fails to surprise me how much excess I really have.  The mental, emotional and physical space this frees up is incredible.  I liken it to stepping outside of a stuffy house and inhaling lungfuls of fresh air.  My senses become alive, my heart rate slows down and I breathe easier.  Spaciousness is something I have noticed really affects me, especially over the past few years, so limiting the amount of items I own has freed me in so many ways.  The less energy I invest in my things (purchasing them, cleaning them, storing them), the more energy I have for my people.  

Belongings

To further the movement toward minimalism, Marc and I have spent time discussing our purchasing patterns.  Do we need what we are thinking of purchasing?  Do we have something already in our house that serves the same purpose?  (Embarassingly, sometimes we already have what I was going to buy, but it was just stored somewhere I wasn't aware of.)  If we need to buy an item, how can we minimize the impact our purchase will have on the earth?  How can we live more sustainably?  

We are starting small - bringing our own reusable straws with us, continuing to use cloth napkins, sewing patches over the holes our boys inevitably put in every pant leg, drying my clothes on a rack instead of in the dryer, buying second-hand when possible...the list goes on.  As I continue the year of 'home', definitely less is becoming more.

A Day with a Personal Shopper

Recently I spent an afternoon with my friend Kelly as my personal shopper and style consultant.  The first time we met she had worked with two of my friends and neighbours and came highly recommended.  I had just had my second child and although I loved being pregnant and a mom, the changes my body had gone through were tough on my body image.  I gained many pounds with both  my pregnancies, but for some reason, was unable to get rid of the weight very quickly with my second.  I decided to embrace it and feel good about who I was becoming as a mother of two, and for me, this meant enjoying how I looked every day.  The next step was to buy some new clothes.  I no longer fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes but very little in my closet fit me or felt good.  Time to call Kelly.

At our first meeting Kelly took my measurements, talked to me about what styles I enjoyed, looked through my current wardrobe and made some suggestions as to what would both look good on me and what I should look for when I shop.  These guidelines were lifesavers and became incorporated long after our day of shopping together.

Fast forward five years.  I now had a sense of my personal style but my wardrobe needed an update.  Striving to become increasingly minimalist and environmental, I wanted to purchase some key items for my closet but with a focus on sustainability.  Kelly suggested a day shopping consignment stores on Main Street.  Perfect!  As I have never been a natural shopper and quite honestly saw it as a necessity rather than an adventure, Kelly was determined to change my perspective.

After our initial meeting to look through my closet again and create a desires/essentials list, the fun began.

Step One:  Research

As I have enough pieces of clothing as a whole, this was all about patience and clarity.  I had a list of items to search for and no real rush to find them.  In a world of instant gratification, this was a surprisingly satisfying piece of homework with future benefits.

• Kelly gave me a list of Instagram accounts and Facebook pages to follow for second hand items
• look for second hand Fluevogs (my shoe of choice), both online and in chosen consignment stores
• go to Anthropologie to try on and size some skirts to set myself up for second hand hunting

When I found possible items online, Kelly would walk me through the process of deciding if it was sound for purchase.

Step Two: Main Street

Our goals was to get to know and support local stores, particularly consignment, while seeing if we could find some good deals.  Here are a few of the stores we hit:  front and company, Fab Finds, The Main Exchange, Turnabout, and Shameless Resale.  

Highlights of the day:

• building my confidence to find pieces that would work with my current wardrobe and paying bargain prices for them; having a trusted second opinion is always great
• my options really opened up as we discussed the possibilities of layers.  Because Kelly knows my closet really well, she could share a variety of possible combinations and outfits
• Kelly told me what each item could be paired with or how it could be worn
• a lot of time was saved as we were both looking at the racks and she pulled options I wouldn't have considered

A note to stores:

• customer service at stores makes a huge difference; chatting with your clientele, taking the clothing to the change room for them...atmosphere and care for your clients makes me want to go back to some stores and not others

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day I had purchased some of my original list, a few extras that fit the criteria we had set out, and a few pieces I am still searching for.  However, I walked away with so much more knowledge and feeling good about being able to make ethical, sustainable choices with a more focused, patient and playful approach.  Thanks for a great day, Kelly!  If you haven't ever experienced a personal shopper and this is something that intrigues you, check out Kelly's website at kellyhenry.ca.

Dear Teacher, Please Take Care of Our Son

Dear Teacher,

You are in the position of spending half of every day or more with my son.  Your relationship with him is important - from how he views school and learning to how he feels about himself and others, and everything in between.  We want for you to know him as we know him, special in so many ways.

Like all of us, Kai has strengths and challenges.  As the adults guiding him through this life, I believe that it is our honour to show him the way not only with our heads, but more importantly, with our hearts.  Kai has a huge heart, so he will understand you if you speak and act from yours.  It is not easy as one adult in a room filled with up to 30 little ones, all needing your support and guidance, but because of that, your words are so much more full of meaning.  Each word, each moment, each decision can have such a huge impact.  We need to choose carefully.

There is so much to know about Kai.  We need you to know how precious he is to us, and how important family is to him.  Along with his brother, mom and dad, he is regularly surrounded by grandparents, aunties and uncles, and cousins.  We are a family of educators, so learning and exploring are a part of Kai's life.  He is curious about the world and is always up for an adventure.

That said, school has not always been easy for Kai.  He loves to socialize and is a sweet and endearing child who easily gets along with everyone.  Although this is one of his greatest strengths and will bring him success in so many ways, it is not always seen as such in a traditional classroom.  It can often get in the way of his ability to hear and follow instructions, and can distract him from his work.  Kai's intentions are good, as he has always been a pleaser.  He wants to do the right thing, but needs caring and consistent adult support to understand what that is and to follow through on expectations.  He needs clear, step-by-step instructions written out for him and work broken down to make it seem do-able or he becomes easily overwhelmed.

Kai is full of life, so full of life that it often overflows in an abundance of energy and emotions.  He loves to have fun, to laugh and to make others laugh.  There is not a day that we aren't in stitches because of some antics he has gotten up to.  He loves to work with his hands and create.  He loves to move and to express himself, often not even needing an audience but rather a place to process his thoughts.  He also has a hard time managing this energy and emotion, particularly when his hopes and expectations do not align with those of others and he is caught unprepared. 

Kai  has really grown in the past year, particularly outside of school in his level of confidence, and we are so proud of the risks he is beginning to take, especially as we believe that this is oh-so-essential to learning and growing.  His confidence surrounding his ability to succeed academically, however, has taken a huge hit this year.  So much so that he has begun asking for days at home, both for a break from the constant demands that he can't manage alone and to catch up on the work he is unable to complete both at school and at home in the evenings.  It breaks my heart but I am also proud that he is advocating for himself; not looking for an escape away from his responsibilities, but a better way to manage them alongside his mental health.

As an educator and a parent, I am a huge believer in life balance.  With a rise in child anxiety, it is time to dial back on what we expect children to do.  Yes, we need to build resilience, but we also need to go deep rather than fast or hard.  School work is primarily their 9 am to 3 pm responsibility.   So much valuable learning happens outside of school, and I believe that we have to make time for fun, play and family life as well.  This is clearly backed up by research.

Because Kai has ADHD, he has trouble completing work on his own in class.  As such, an excessive amount of family time both throughout the week and on weekends is dedicated to him working on school assignments.  Our family is lucky.  As part of my job, I am very familiar with adaptations and accommodations that can be made to support diverse learning needs, so can advocate for Kai.  I am willing and able to create tools, strategies and checklists to help Kai learn to self-regulate but also to become a more independent, confident and successful student.  Please, use me.  Meet with me so we can brainstorm and prepare for Kai's learning.  Use what I create for him if it helps any others in your classroom as well.  We know teaching is not an easy job and we want to make it easier for everyone.  We will do anything for our children, so you will regularly see notes from us and we will be a presence in their learning.  Please take this as a good thing.  We love our children and we believe in education.  We want to help.

Teacher, we know some days will be more challenging than others.  On those days especially, remember that Kai is doing the best he can.  Give him more positive feedback than necessary, lots of space and care and kindness, and remember that he is human like the rest of us.  He is on a journey and the more love he gets, the better.

Home

Warm sun on my face, on the top of the world.

My word for this year is home.  It means so many things, but all of them are simple.  I'm going to start with those that can be seen in pictures.

Spend time with  my family

Never a dull moment with these folks.

Our yearly photo with the best looking kids around.

Girls night out!

The Uchida genes clearly run through the generations.

Surround myself with the most amazing people.

We started as neighbours...

My mamas...

Enjoy my work.

Get outside.

Travel and go on adventures.

Play games.

Laugh often.

And always, remember what is important.

Thank You

Dear Nanny,

I feel like I should be writing this on paper instead of a computer, but the words are coming quickly and I express myself faster this way.  I got a text from Kelly yesterday saying that you asked the nurse if you were dying.  When the nurse asked if you would be okay with that, you answered yes.  Through the tornado of emotions I am feeling, every time I go back to that exchange, I feel peace.  You have lived a long, full life.  Full of love and adventure.  You are ready and I get that.  Is it easy for me?  No.  The exploding heart and rivers of tears are evidence, as if I needed any, but most of all, I feel gratitude.  And love . . . so much love.  If my math and memory are correct, you have lived over 96 years, and I have shared more than 43 so far. I have been blessed.

What I know about family and tradition started with you and Papa.  Because of you, family is the cornerstone of life for all of us, the most treasured of values.  Because of you we have the most amazing dad, and grandfather for our own kids, that one could have.

In thinking of how I want to say good-bye when it is time, I keep returning to 'thank you.'  My memory is running an old home movie reel, on a white sheet hung up on a wall crookedly with tacks, complete with the shaky imagery and the clicking sounds as the film goes from one roll to the next. I imagine the canisters piled up with the content titles written in a shaky script with black sharpie.  The canisters have titles such as: Christmas, May long weekend, playing in the attic, New Year's Eve, Easter, the basement, and A Collection of Moments.

The shaky film shows hundreds of family dinners, on the long wooden table covered in a white embroidered tablecloth, the kids' table attached on the end.  Turkey, ham, roast beef, yorkshire pudding, carrots, mashed potatoes and more.  And dessert.  Always so much dessert.

Romoli.  Big games of Romoli with the giant bowl of pennies ready to share out.

The piano, where I learned to play Greensleeves, and played it over and over again each time I visited.  You think I would have progressed, but it is still tucked away in my memory, ready to play each time I see a piano.

The old record player where I discovered a record with Good Night, Irene on it and thought it was the coolest thing, with your name being Irene and all.  I imagined it had a great story behind it.

The old wooden box where you kept all the pencil crayons along with random other pens and markers, ready for me to colour with.  I remember the joy and calm that box brought me. I have it on my own shelf now and it always makes me smile.

The baking.  Oh, the baking.  I have a clear image of you filling up the coffee table with so much baking and still regularly coming around with a plate of goodies telling us that just one more wouldn't hurt.

You and Papa always knew how to make us feel special.  I remember you coming to so many of our sporting events and band concerts - if you could drive there, you would be cheering us on.  Every visit, before we left you took a family photo in front of our car.  This would be a fascinating look into our growth over the years, but again, it simply showed us how much you cared.  One of the longest-standing traditions that my mom and dad carry on to this day is waving goodbye.  Every time we drove away from your house to go home at the end of a visit, you both stood in the yard waving good-bye.  I do not know how long you waved but I know we could see you waving as long as we could see you.  These are just a few of the memories but each one connects back to you in my heart.

It is not yet time to say good-bye and for that, I am grateful.  So I can still thank you for the lifetime of memories, love and joy, that are mine because of what you and Papa created with this family.  My heart is with you wherever you are.