The Written Word

Tonight I came across a project I did for a literacy class in my education program.  I wrote a book of poetry reflecting on my where I was in my life and where I came from.  Some are good and others not so much.  However, what struck me was the honesty.  I can return to the time of the writing like it was yesterday.  I had recently completed my undergraduate studies, gone on a month trip through Europe, returned to end things with my long-time boyfriend and recently begun my education program to become a teacher.  It was a time of turmoil, of uncertainty and as the cliche goes, I was finding myself.  What became clear in reading my work was how much my heart ached and how I longed to not only know who I was but to also share that self with others.  Herein lies the power of the written word.

For years following that book, I cannot recall writing very often beyond in my journal.  I was busy establishing my career, looking for 'the one', and enjoying life.  It was not until the birth of my first son that I returned to writing.  Again, I was writing from my heart, as a way to express the myriad of powerful emotions that come with bearing a child.  Emotions I was unprepared for and that arrived on my doorstep like a tidal wave.   The pain of being unable to soothe my crying child.  The joy his smiles brought.  The pride when he took his first step.  The heartache when another child refused to play with him on the playground. 

These emotions not only stemmed from my connection to my child, however, but also from the need to rediscover myself within this new world of parenthood, and now into the world of parenting two children.  As always, here I am again, returning to the written word.  Remembering how simple strikes on the keyboard can soothe my anxieties, share my excitement and help me find myself when it is so easy to get lost in dishes, diapers and to do lists.  I am thankful for blank pages and their invitation to pour out thoughts as they come, for they serve as both a meditation and a place to be known to myself and my others.  A place for clarity and honesty. 

Nico at Two Months

My sweet little boy,

Your Daddy, big brother and I love you so much.  You have grown and learned so much over the past few months that I thought we would take a moment to celebrate who you are now...

You love to eat -
Since Day 1 you have been eating like a champion.  You love your milk and are growing into a very healthy little boy.  When we went for your first weigh-in with Annie, our midwife, to make sure you were getting back to your birth weight, she was surprised that not only had you returned to 7 pounds 7 ounces but you had actually put on extra weight!  Unlike your big brother, you seem to have very few digestive problems and burp like a pro!  (The things we parents are proud of...)

You can't wait to be able to suck on your fingers -
You are a soother baby.  You love to use the soother to help you fall asleep, but also very promptly spit it out when you think you don't need it anymore.  Sometimes your timing is right but other times you wake up and cry as soon as you have spit it out.  You have spent the first two months working on controling your hands so you could bring them to your mouth when you wanted to.  One time you accidentally hooked your thumb in your mouth and put yourself to sleep in seconds!  On the other hand, you have also punched yourself in the face a few times, but finally in the past week you  seem to be able to get that right hand to your mouth when you want it.  The poor left hand is often neglected.  Unfortunately for you, your hand is too big to fit into your mouth so it currently frustrates more than soothes you, but don't worry - one day soon you will be able to open your hands and get your thumb in there too.  Your Auntie Kelly thinks it is funny that I encourage you to be a thumb sucker, but I just want you to be able to learn the skills to help yourself stay calm when you need too.  Really, I have the best intentions!

You are a cuddler - Boy do you love the feel of being cuddled in Mommy's arms. (see note about sleeping location below).  I so hope you still that way when you are older, for that is what makes me feel the happiest - cuddles with my boys.


You are particular about your sleeping location -
During the day as long as you are sleeping on me in some form, you rarely make a peep.  Twice a day for your nap we seem to be on the move to or from Kai's school.  With every journey I keep hoping that you will fall asleep in the stroller, but without fail within about 15 minutes at most you are upset.  Like magic, as soon as you are in the carrier next to my chest you sigh and fall asleep, only to awake when I try to put you down or it is time to eat.  I love the feeling of having you close, but my back wishes you would go down more often.  At home, with the help of your beloved bathroom fan for a few minutes and occasionally your soother, you fall asleep in my arms and lay upon my chest on the couch while I read, surf the internet on my phone or watch a show.  A few times lately we have gotten you to fall asleep in the swing for short periods as well.  Your bassinet seems to be only for a few naps during the night and only when you are really tired.

Your smile melts my  heart -
Your first smile was when you were just a few days over a month old.  Since then you love to grin often.  My favourite time of the day is when you first wake up in the morning.  Right after to have your bottle, I put you on the change table and we have our best bonding time.  For some reason, the change table is one of your favourite places.  While I change you and for a good length of time after, you are all smiles and conversation.  Okay, you can't talk yet, but you sure try.  So we just smile at each other.  I stick out my tongue and make silly sounds that make you try to copy and then you smile even more.  It melts a Mama's heart.

You really want to talk -
Whether on the change table, beside me on the couch or on my lap, after a feed in particular you love to try to chat.  You look at me, you arms and legs get a moving and your mouth opens.  Your eyes get a gleam in them, but nothing yet comes out of your mouth.  Okay, a few times you have squeaked or squacked, and Kai would swear that you know 'a' and 'e' (He thinks after 'a', the next letter you will naturally learn is 'b'.).  If you are anything like your big brother, once you start talking, you will never stop.  And that twinkle in your eye makes me think you will be pulling pranks like the best of them as well.  I can't wait to hear what you have to say...

You go wherever big brother goes -
Okay, so it is not really your choice, but since you were just over a week old, you have come with me every day to drop your brother off at Kindergarten and pick him up in the afternoon.  You are a hit with all the kids in his class who just can't wait to 'pet' you, and you have been the draw for so many adults to start up a conversation with me.  I'm sure I wouldn't know so many people, big and small, at Kai's school if it weren't for the cute little bundle I bring with me.  Thanks for helping me out, little buddy!

You are pretty chill -
For a boy who only sleeps about 13 hours a day, you are pretty chill.  So far you have skipped the purple crying phase, with the exception of a couple of nights and a day, which makes me think something must have been bothering your tummy.  You can stay in your chair or laying on a blanket for a little while happy as a clam as long as you can see us, and you are growing fond of the swinging chair as well.  As long as we are following your sleeping requirements, you fall asleep easily and quick for the most part as well.  Importantly, you also like hanging out with our whole big crazy family and are as happy in their arms as you are in ours.  I think you are going to be one easygoing little boy.

You are one wonderful little boy.  We are so lucky to have you in our family and can't wait to see what comes next for you, Nico.

Mama-Nico Nap Time

I love you. So much.

Okay, I get it.  I get why people have no problem with their babies sleeping on them.  Why they treasure it, in fact.  No, just a few weeks ago I didn't understand it.  All I wanted was a minute to myself...to eat, to wash my face, to put your bottles in the dishwasher so we would have some clean ones for your next feeding time, and perhaps to sneak in a little writing.  People kept telling me to enjoy it while it lasts but all I could think was 'Will this ever end?'

I have always been someone who needs personal space and alone time in order to be healthy and relaxed.  I need time to process my thoughts and express them through the written word in order to maintain a sense of peace.  Having a baby and a five-year old is not conducive to reflection beyond 'How can I keep these two munchkins happy?'  At least it isn't yet. 

My focus has been to enjoy Nico as I know he will be our last baby, and oftentimes I am successful while other times I wonder when he will reach the stage where he can sleep in his crib and not on me.  However the other day I got a form from the Pacific Centre for Reproductive Medicine (PCRM) that asked what we wanted to do with our frozen embryos.  Bam!  That helped me to focus the second I opened the envelope and realized what was inside.

Our journey to parenthood was a long, often foggy road.  After extensive testing and no reason as to why we could not conceive 'naturally', we went the route of In Vitro Fertilization.  It gave us our incredible Kai.  Fast forward four years and we returned to do a frozen embryo transfer with embryos from our IVF cycle, and Nico arrived soon after.  As anyone who has done any form of assisted reproduction knows, it is not a simple procedure.  Pills, injections, ultrasounds, blood tests...and this is just the start.  Emotionally and physically it is challenging, especially when the success of these medical procedures seems the only path to achieve one of my life long dreams - to be a mother.

So when I opened the envelope and knew it was time to say good-bye to our remaining embryos (by donating them to scientific research rather than incinerating them, which was definitely NOT an option), I felt like I was beginning to grieve.  My husband felt a sense of relief and I felt sadness.  Now, I know giving birth to another child is not in our future and am fine with that, but somehow giving up those embryos feels like each one was a little bundle of possibility that I am turning the light out on.  It feels like I am having a miscarriage again but this time it is my choice.  I am secure in our decision but still need time to let go.

So this is why I am holding so tightly to my little Nico and reveling in the little sighs he makes in his sleep and the warmth of his body on mine.  This is why I lean over the change table and exchange sweet smiles with him every chance I get.  My boys are my everything and I am so thankful that they both love to show affection and hold me close as well. 

To My Big Boy at 5...What an Adventure!

Dear Kai,

A month and a half has passed since your birthday and so many things have changed in your world.  You now go to kindergarten, you have a little brother and you turned five, all in the span of a few weeks.  It has been a bit of a whirlwind, but I finally have a moment to share a little of what you mean to me and how you
have helped me to grow both into a parent and as a person.

A few days ago, this was posted on Facebook, and it is exactly our relationship.  We not only help each other balance out, but we are a place for each other to explore the other, less dominant, side of our selves.



WHO YOU ARE

Loving

Every morning you get up you give me a big hug and kiss.  Every night at bed you do the same and tell me you love me.  How I love this about you.  You do not hold back with your affection and I hope you never do.  I have seen so many children, especially boys, at your daycare and school who will not hug and kiss their parents good-bye, but so far you are not one of them.  In fact it does not even seem to bother you when your friends say 'yuck' when you say your good-byes to me, which is very impressive.  When you see any of our family you run towards them, jump into their arms and give them a big 'squeezie hug' which I know they love so much.  Your family obviously means so much to you as you do to them.  I am so glad that you have the opportunity to live so close to everyone and see them so often.  Not all children are so lucky.  I hope that your are always surrounded by loved ones and forever continue to show them your heart so openly and honestly without holding back.  This is a quality to treasure, my sweet boy.

Mischievous

Between your Dad and Grandpa, there was no way that you were going to miss out on this trait.  You are always ready to sneak up on some, give them a wet willie (thanks Uncle Derran), a wedgie (thanks Auntie Carrie) or close the book they are reading in a way that they can't find their page again (thank Grandpa). When you get that twinkle in your eye and grin on your face we all know to be ready for a prank. 

An Entertainer

Going hand in hand with your mischief is your sense of humour.  You are always ready to laugh with others and take a special interest in making others laugh.  In the past year this has been especially apparent with your cousin Austen.  He finds you hilarious and you will do anything to make him laugh.  You are even trying to help Nico understand your humour, but at two months it is still a little beyond him.  Keep it up, buddy and soon he will catch on and reward you with all the laughs you so love to hear.  You have also been working on understanding knock-knock jokes, although your punch lines still need a little work.  In the past few months you  have been working on using this wonderful skill as a way to smooth things over when you are getting in trouble from Mommy and Daddy.  Sometimes it is 'too little, too late' and we worry that you do not understand that we are upset, but more often than not we have to hide our smiles as we turn our backs to you so you still take our reprimands seriously.  Oh Kai, I hope life continues to be so entertaining for you and us.

Sensitive

Hidden behind your confident, outgoing personality is a sensitive side.  You hate when we are upset with you and when you know you really did something wrong, you hide away in embarrassment. Often you go under my desk or in the closet and have to be gently talked out.  You don't like getting things wrong and are using 'That makes me sad.' a lot when things don't go your way.  I am so glad you are learning to use your words, buddy, and I hope you always feel comfortable expressing yourself to us.  However, I also hope that you understand that everyone makes mistakes and they are important to learning.

You are also very aware of behaviour in school or on the playground.  When someone does something you don't like, you are good at asking them to 'Please stop', but when you are feeling left out you get so sad and cannot understand it. As you grow and are now at a school with bigger boys with whom you so desperately want to play, it is sometimes difficult for me to watch when you aren't included, but this too is a part of life and I know that in a few minutes you will be laughing and making new friends again.  I am thankful you like to talk to us about what is happening still and we can work these things out together.  We love you so much.

Full of Life

Since you first came into our lives, there has not been a dull moment.  You always have a need to be on the go, and the first thing you ask me when we get home from a day at daycare or school is, "Can I have a play date?", as if you haven't had one all day.  Your energy level is admirable and seemingly endless.  This has been really good for me as you remind me how good it feels to get out and explore, and it has challenged me to find new parks and activities.  This summer was exceptionally special for me as I got to hang out with you every day.  We made a trip to the cabin up at Comox Lake with Grandma, Grandpa and Lizzie, spent time in Chilliwack and did day trips in the city.  You even went down your first waterslide at Granville Island all by yourself.  I wasn't sure you were going to do it as you have never been a big fan of water, but you walked up those stairs bravely by yourself and came out with a smile on your face and told me you did not want to do that again.

You also had some defining moments for me when you attended Pedal Heads bike camp and swimming lessons.  The first day of Pedal Heads we were going down a hill on the way there and your feet fell off the pedals.  You panicked and started screaming but luckily stopped without an accident.  You were so scared and were adamant that you hated biking and would not go to camp.  It took half an hour of watching and a great teacher until you joined, but by the end of the week you were showing off your new moves and biking with so much more confidence.  I was so proud of you to keep trying in spite of your fear.

As I mentioned before, you have never been a great fan of water, but for some reason this year you turned a corner.  You went to swimming lessons every day for two weeks and I could not believe how brave you were.  Last year it took days to get you into the water before the lesson was half over and this year you just couldn't wait to get in.  You put your face in, you kicked off the island to blow bubbles and kick your feet, and your body finally relaxed when laying on your back.  Perhaps it was the new goggles, but I think you just made up your mind that this was time to start and you were ready.  A huge step for you and it made me smile every day.

Part of Us

You are such an easy going, well-rounded boy. You love everything from art and baking to bike riding and building Lego. You share both the qualities of your Dad and me.  You have your Dad's sense of fun and mischief mixed in with some of my caution.  You share both of our love of activity and sports, as well as the willingness to give almost anything a try at least once.  Some of the crazy stunts you and your Dad like to pull and the wild games you play make me want to put safety pillows all around, but I don't because even if you get hurt I know you'll handle it well and when asked how you are, you'll respond, "Never better!" You are an amazing kid and I can't wait to see what else we will learn about you in the coming year.

Happy 5th Birthday, Monkey!

Vulnerability and Control

Last week I visited a friend/ex-colleague in the hospital after he had to have a benign tumour removed from his spine.  Due to the expertise of the doctors (and perhaps a little bit of luck), he came through the surgery with flying colours and is home on the mend.  Illness and disease has surrounded us recently, with so many friends and relatives, and friends of relatives, having to battle to keep their health and livelihood.  It has me thinking of a few things - both the nature of illness and how this is accelerated in our culture; and what we can do to work towards optimal health of body, mind and emotions.

On his way home from the hospital for a check-up, this friend brought me a book by Brene Brown called Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.  He warned me that most people he had given the book to had only been able to read five pages at a time before they needed to it down to process.  I made it through two.  There is an excerpt in these first few pages that hit home.  Brene is talking to a therapist:

"I hate how [vulnerability] makes me feel."

"What does it feel like?"

"Like I'm coming out of my skin.  Like I need to fix whatever's happening and make it better."...

"So what do you do?"

"Clean the house.  Eat peanut butter. Blame people. Make everything around me perfect.  Control whatever I can - whatever's not nailed down....Can you give me some homework or something?  Shall I review the data?"

"No data and no homework.  No assignments or gold stars in here.  Less thinking.  More feeling."

After the delivery of our first child, I had postpartum depression. I have had depression before and it is also in my family history.  So with the birth of our second child, one of my priorities was to make choices that ensured I felt healthy not only in body, but mentally and emotionally as well.  I know that feeling a lack of control contributes to feeling unhealthy.  So, yes, I am guilty of researching, looking at studies and reading blogs to learn about others experiences and what worked for them.  Yes, I over think, but perhaps it is sometimes because I feel too much.  Perhaps rather than succumbing to the emotions, I get afraid of what that letting go will result in and forget to trust myself.  I do know that if I give myself time to process, to write it out, I can bring myself back to a state of calm and trust.  But let's be real...with a 5-year old and a newborn, who has time to eat and shower never mind to process and write.  So rather than run to Google or Chapters next time I am overwhelmed to find a fix from someone else's experience, I hope to choose myself.  To trust myself to know what is best for me and my family.  To slow down and breathe.  To accept vulnerability and let go of control, at least for this moment.  I know deep down that this will keep me a healthier person and suspect that less dis-ease would pervade our society if we all could do just the same.

Kai Right Now

My loving Kai,

Here is a brief snapshot of you today:

1. You are all over the place right now trying to figure out boundaries and emotions. 

2.  "I feel sad."  About so many things, but mostly when you do not get what you want: dessert when you have not eaten much dinner; video time when you have had an hour already; a play date when we just came home from one...and then the usual sad-making stuff such as getting hurt or seeing others get hurt.

3.  Testing to see if when one adult says no then perhaps the other will say yes.  Hint: We know what you are doing!

4.  Defiance:  "I don't want to.  I'm not going to."

5.  Lying: telling us you have flushed the toilet and washed your hands when obviously you have done neither; toys that are appearing in your pocket after school that your teacher 'said you could have'.  Hmmm....

6.  Play dates, play dates and more play dates.  You can never have enough in a day.

7.  Obsessed with videos and video games.  Okay, we may have played a part of this one.  Between your gaming dad and a mom with a newborn, the more video time you get, the more you want.

8.  Incredible imagination.  Between the journal writing at school and the story telling at home, you never cease to amaze me.  Often right now you are playing with your stuffy families and making up stories about their lives.  I LOVE it.

9.  Bike riding...for fun, you can't get enough.  You and your dad have had a few guys days bike trips up to Mount Seymour and you can ride forever.

10.  Helpful.  You are always and have always been so willing to help.  Yes, you have to be reminded to put away your things and pack up your plate and cup after dinner, but you also make sure to contribute on your own.  Either way you are learning to be part of the family in more ways. 

11.  Loving.  This never changes even now, in your first real boundary-pushing stage.  I love that about you, my wonderful boy. Keep this quality forever.

Kai is Thankful For...

I am thankful for my mom because she has babies.
I am thankful for my dad because he wrestles.
I am thankful for Nico because he is sleepy.

(I forgot to write the beginning for this part, so I assume it is why we are thankful for Kai)

I share pets.

I am taking care of my pets.
I am able to wash dishes.

I am thankful for my friend because they share toys with me.
I am thankful when they let me go on their skateboard.