A Moment in Time

The fog hangs over the quiet street

As we remain in our pyjamas

and play with a stuffie family

using hushed voices

while baby lay sleeping

Our Nico at Three Months: Smiling and Learning

To our happy boy,

This has been a big month for you.  You are really continuing to develop your own personality and you are so amazing.  If I could describe you in one word it would be smiling.  You are in love with the world and we are all in love with you.  What makes you smile?  Pretty much everything.  You love to observe the world around you and especially the people.  You are definitely a people person...so easygoing and adaptable, there are very few things that make you unhappy.  You love it when people play with you and make faces at you, which is what your big brother is best at, so you can't get enough of him.  You like to play with your tongue often, curling it up, and Kai gets a big kick out of it when you copy him by sticking it out.

You also have found the pleasure of making noise.  You have begun to 'chat' with us and we have spent a lot of time with you resting back on my knees and getting to know one another.  It is one of my favourite things to do with you.  That said, you have started using your voice to share your dislikes as well, such as when I leave you in your chair to go grab something from the kitchen and you lose sight of me.

This month you have been on a learning journey as well.  You have learned to suck on your fists to soothe yourself, to hold a rattle (although you aren't sure what to do with it yet), to lift your legs up high when on your back and your head up high when on your tummy and you even rolled over onto your back once on your 12 week birthday.  Thank you for waiting until Daddy, Kai and I were all close by and could cheer you on!  The hardest learning for all of us was when we did sleep training, and even there you took it easy on us.  The first two days and nights were a bit rough, but you didn't want us in the room with you (in fact, that made you more frustrated) and only a few days into practicing putting yourself to sleep you slept 6, 8, 9 and even 12 hours straight once in the night!  And no matter how long you had been crying, you always went straight back to smiling once you were up.  In fact, that was probably the trickiest part to learning about your sleep needs - you seem to be happy all the time so it was hard to tell when was the right time to go down for a nap!

So now you sleep amazingly, peacefully drifting off with rarely a sound more times than not, and continue to be a happy guy both awake and asleep.  Like your Mommy, you seem to thrive with some routine and predictability, but you are still easygoing when I have to wake you up early or putting you down late as we work with Kai's school schedule as well.  Thank you for being so easy, love.

This month we also went to visit your Great Nanny at Gramma and Grampa's house for a few nights and you were a dream.  You charmed your way into Nanny's heart and were an amazing little traveler.  You have and will continue to spend a lot of time with our big family, so it is wonderful to know that you will be happy no matter where you are or who is holding you.

It has been a big month for you, sweet Nico, and we are so proud of you and in love with you.

Love always,
your Mama

Bless his heart...

Peace is kisses.  Melt his Mama's heart. 

Among so many other things, Kai has a sweetness and innocence I hope he keeps forever.

After seeing this art outside his classroom door, I got a note from his teacher that said:

"Aside from the enrichment Kai gets from home, I really think he is just a super motivated learner!  He is full of joy when he reads!"

That's our boy...so full of joy.  We love you, buddy.

Who I Am...

This is me.

Longing to be back in post-pregnancy shape, going to yoga classes and the gym
but instead finding ways to feel good in my body until I again have time to devote to myself

The me who is holding my boys close while trying to teach them independence

The me who texts and emails more often than I see my friends
but understanding this newborn phase is short lived
and soon both my wee ones will be all grown up

The me who is so proud of how loving my son is,
how involved my husband is
and how calm I am being in the midst of this crazy storm called parenting

The me who over-thinks and over-plans
but also over-hugs and over-I-love-yous.

Yes,
this is me,
and I am blessed.

The Written Word

Tonight I came across a project I did for a literacy class in my education program.  I wrote a book of poetry reflecting on my where I was in my life and where I came from.  Some are good and others not so much.  However, what struck me was the honesty.  I can return to the time of the writing like it was yesterday.  I had recently completed my undergraduate studies, gone on a month trip through Europe, returned to end things with my long-time boyfriend and recently begun my education program to become a teacher.  It was a time of turmoil, of uncertainty and as the cliche goes, I was finding myself.  What became clear in reading my work was how much my heart ached and how I longed to not only know who I was but to also share that self with others.  Herein lies the power of the written word.

For years following that book, I cannot recall writing very often beyond in my journal.  I was busy establishing my career, looking for 'the one', and enjoying life.  It was not until the birth of my first son that I returned to writing.  Again, I was writing from my heart, as a way to express the myriad of powerful emotions that come with bearing a child.  Emotions I was unprepared for and that arrived on my doorstep like a tidal wave.   The pain of being unable to soothe my crying child.  The joy his smiles brought.  The pride when he took his first step.  The heartache when another child refused to play with him on the playground. 

These emotions not only stemmed from my connection to my child, however, but also from the need to rediscover myself within this new world of parenthood, and now into the world of parenting two children.  As always, here I am again, returning to the written word.  Remembering how simple strikes on the keyboard can soothe my anxieties, share my excitement and help me find myself when it is so easy to get lost in dishes, diapers and to do lists.  I am thankful for blank pages and their invitation to pour out thoughts as they come, for they serve as both a meditation and a place to be known to myself and my others.  A place for clarity and honesty. 

Nico at Two Months

My sweet little boy,

Your Daddy, big brother and I love you so much.  You have grown and learned so much over the past few months that I thought we would take a moment to celebrate who you are now...

You love to eat -
Since Day 1 you have been eating like a champion.  You love your milk and are growing into a very healthy little boy.  When we went for your first weigh-in with Annie, our midwife, to make sure you were getting back to your birth weight, she was surprised that not only had you returned to 7 pounds 7 ounces but you had actually put on extra weight!  Unlike your big brother, you seem to have very few digestive problems and burp like a pro!  (The things we parents are proud of...)

You can't wait to be able to suck on your fingers -
You are a soother baby.  You love to use the soother to help you fall asleep, but also very promptly spit it out when you think you don't need it anymore.  Sometimes your timing is right but other times you wake up and cry as soon as you have spit it out.  You have spent the first two months working on controling your hands so you could bring them to your mouth when you wanted to.  One time you accidentally hooked your thumb in your mouth and put yourself to sleep in seconds!  On the other hand, you have also punched yourself in the face a few times, but finally in the past week you  seem to be able to get that right hand to your mouth when you want it.  The poor left hand is often neglected.  Unfortunately for you, your hand is too big to fit into your mouth so it currently frustrates more than soothes you, but don't worry - one day soon you will be able to open your hands and get your thumb in there too.  Your Auntie Kelly thinks it is funny that I encourage you to be a thumb sucker, but I just want you to be able to learn the skills to help yourself stay calm when you need too.  Really, I have the best intentions!

You are a cuddler - Boy do you love the feel of being cuddled in Mommy's arms. (see note about sleeping location below).  I so hope you still that way when you are older, for that is what makes me feel the happiest - cuddles with my boys.


You are particular about your sleeping location -
During the day as long as you are sleeping on me in some form, you rarely make a peep.  Twice a day for your nap we seem to be on the move to or from Kai's school.  With every journey I keep hoping that you will fall asleep in the stroller, but without fail within about 15 minutes at most you are upset.  Like magic, as soon as you are in the carrier next to my chest you sigh and fall asleep, only to awake when I try to put you down or it is time to eat.  I love the feeling of having you close, but my back wishes you would go down more often.  At home, with the help of your beloved bathroom fan for a few minutes and occasionally your soother, you fall asleep in my arms and lay upon my chest on the couch while I read, surf the internet on my phone or watch a show.  A few times lately we have gotten you to fall asleep in the swing for short periods as well.  Your bassinet seems to be only for a few naps during the night and only when you are really tired.

Your smile melts my  heart -
Your first smile was when you were just a few days over a month old.  Since then you love to grin often.  My favourite time of the day is when you first wake up in the morning.  Right after to have your bottle, I put you on the change table and we have our best bonding time.  For some reason, the change table is one of your favourite places.  While I change you and for a good length of time after, you are all smiles and conversation.  Okay, you can't talk yet, but you sure try.  So we just smile at each other.  I stick out my tongue and make silly sounds that make you try to copy and then you smile even more.  It melts a Mama's heart.

You really want to talk -
Whether on the change table, beside me on the couch or on my lap, after a feed in particular you love to try to chat.  You look at me, you arms and legs get a moving and your mouth opens.  Your eyes get a gleam in them, but nothing yet comes out of your mouth.  Okay, a few times you have squeaked or squacked, and Kai would swear that you know 'a' and 'e' (He thinks after 'a', the next letter you will naturally learn is 'b'.).  If you are anything like your big brother, once you start talking, you will never stop.  And that twinkle in your eye makes me think you will be pulling pranks like the best of them as well.  I can't wait to hear what you have to say...

You go wherever big brother goes -
Okay, so it is not really your choice, but since you were just over a week old, you have come with me every day to drop your brother off at Kindergarten and pick him up in the afternoon.  You are a hit with all the kids in his class who just can't wait to 'pet' you, and you have been the draw for so many adults to start up a conversation with me.  I'm sure I wouldn't know so many people, big and small, at Kai's school if it weren't for the cute little bundle I bring with me.  Thanks for helping me out, little buddy!

You are pretty chill -
For a boy who only sleeps about 13 hours a day, you are pretty chill.  So far you have skipped the purple crying phase, with the exception of a couple of nights and a day, which makes me think something must have been bothering your tummy.  You can stay in your chair or laying on a blanket for a little while happy as a clam as long as you can see us, and you are growing fond of the swinging chair as well.  As long as we are following your sleeping requirements, you fall asleep easily and quick for the most part as well.  Importantly, you also like hanging out with our whole big crazy family and are as happy in their arms as you are in ours.  I think you are going to be one easygoing little boy.

You are one wonderful little boy.  We are so lucky to have you in our family and can't wait to see what comes next for you, Nico.

Mama-Nico Nap Time

I love you. So much.

Okay, I get it.  I get why people have no problem with their babies sleeping on them.  Why they treasure it, in fact.  No, just a few weeks ago I didn't understand it.  All I wanted was a minute to myself...to eat, to wash my face, to put your bottles in the dishwasher so we would have some clean ones for your next feeding time, and perhaps to sneak in a little writing.  People kept telling me to enjoy it while it lasts but all I could think was 'Will this ever end?'

I have always been someone who needs personal space and alone time in order to be healthy and relaxed.  I need time to process my thoughts and express them through the written word in order to maintain a sense of peace.  Having a baby and a five-year old is not conducive to reflection beyond 'How can I keep these two munchkins happy?'  At least it isn't yet. 

My focus has been to enjoy Nico as I know he will be our last baby, and oftentimes I am successful while other times I wonder when he will reach the stage where he can sleep in his crib and not on me.  However the other day I got a form from the Pacific Centre for Reproductive Medicine (PCRM) that asked what we wanted to do with our frozen embryos.  Bam!  That helped me to focus the second I opened the envelope and realized what was inside.

Our journey to parenthood was a long, often foggy road.  After extensive testing and no reason as to why we could not conceive 'naturally', we went the route of In Vitro Fertilization.  It gave us our incredible Kai.  Fast forward four years and we returned to do a frozen embryo transfer with embryos from our IVF cycle, and Nico arrived soon after.  As anyone who has done any form of assisted reproduction knows, it is not a simple procedure.  Pills, injections, ultrasounds, blood tests...and this is just the start.  Emotionally and physically it is challenging, especially when the success of these medical procedures seems the only path to achieve one of my life long dreams - to be a mother.

So when I opened the envelope and knew it was time to say good-bye to our remaining embryos (by donating them to scientific research rather than incinerating them, which was definitely NOT an option), I felt like I was beginning to grieve.  My husband felt a sense of relief and I felt sadness.  Now, I know giving birth to another child is not in our future and am fine with that, but somehow giving up those embryos feels like each one was a little bundle of possibility that I am turning the light out on.  It feels like I am having a miscarriage again but this time it is my choice.  I am secure in our decision but still need time to let go.

So this is why I am holding so tightly to my little Nico and reveling in the little sighs he makes in his sleep and the warmth of his body on mine.  This is why I lean over the change table and exchange sweet smiles with him every chance I get.  My boys are my everything and I am so thankful that they both love to show affection and hold me close as well.