Every night I go to bed, I have thoughts swirling in my head. Things to do. Scrapbook pages I want to create. Gifts I want to make. Skills I want to learn. And, of course, daily happenings that I don't want to forget, but invariably will by tomorrow morning, only to pop up in a random thought weeks down the road. So, here I am. I may use this blog daily to empty my head and heart before cuddling up in my duvet, or as it may be, I may write in it once a month. Who knows. It is for me, but perhaps something I write or learn may spark a fire in someone else. Perhaps it may quiet a mind or make you feel like you are not alone out there. It is for me. But perhaps it is for you.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Letting Go...

This past week I have been nursing a 'stuck' neck. As recommended, I have stayed home and rested for five days now, in addition to going to a daily emergency chiropractor appointment.  I am not good at resting on command.  Unable to turn my neck and with a constant headache, my days have been mostly watching videos and thinking about how much I could be getting done if I could only ignore the pain.  On the third day of treatment, my chiro worked pretty hard on me with many adjustments alongside massage of areas that were refusing to let go without some help.  At the end of the treatment I was quite emotional, feeling frustrated with my body and my inability to move along the healing any faster.  I needed to feel some light at the end of the tunnel, some relief from the physical and emotional tension.  I asked if there was anything I could do to relieve the headaches or speed up recovery, and after a few basic reminders about ice and water intake, Dr. J. said what I needed to do was to rest.  To let go.

Letting go.  A practice in which I am not very skilled. I like to have plans, lists, projects.  I like to be in control.  I am a teacher and our lessons, our units of study, our teaching strategies, they all need to be planned in advance.  In taking on the uncomfortable role of the primary cook for our family after our child was born, I set up a plan.  A system.  I have no problem if the plan needs to be changed last minute, I'm quite flexible, but I always feel more relaxed with a plan in place, just in case I need it. Type A? Perhaps.  Anxious? Without some control, yes.  So this letting go business is hard for me.

As I walked home from my appointment, I started to give thought to what I would do...how I could plan to let go. (No, the irony is not lost on me.) So yesterday (day 4) I spent the day watching more movies and staying on the couch in an attempt to do nothing.  I woke up this morning feeling looser physically and more relaxed.  I was busier than I should have been today, and on the computer a fair bit which I know is not great for my neck, but I'm taking it one day at a time.  I'm learning how to find a place for my active mind and body and still feel rested.  Have some control without letting it control me.  I'm musing on the meaning of 'letting go.'  Letting go, what does it mean to you?

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