Recently I have been wanting to embrace life's adventures. In a quick Facebook post I made note of this as I was sharing how excited I was to have gotten tickets to see the Dave Matthews Band at The Gorge. As a result of an impromptu road trip in my twenties with some friends from back east (Montreal), seeing a concert at The Gorge had landed itself on my Life List. Until my sister texted me an invite to this concert, I had all but forgotten this desire. So back to the Facebook post...in a comment I threw out a thought that maybe since my 40th birthday was arriving in October, I would open myself up to the idea of 40 adventures before 40 quest. This comment has gotten a lot of play time in conversations and email with friends recently, so rather than it become a 'mission to complete' (which really seems to take the fun out of it), I am going to see what comes across my radar, so to speak, and see what the universe has to offer me.
Now those of you who know me well also know that I am a planner. I have fought it and tried to let it go many times, but it is simply who I am and it makes my life much more stress-free and enjoyable. That said, the planning side of me needs to be invited to this quest as well. I am going to invite it to share it's ideas (Is it weird I am talking about it like it is it's own person?) and create a desires list. Those who know me also know that I LOVE to make lists and desires lists are at the top of the pecking order. Back to the plan...whenever something from my list (or an alternate super-fun opportunity) presents itself, I am going to book it right away into my monthly calender (after running it by my wonderful husband, of course).
Anyone who wants to play with me on this quest, you are officially invited! (Again, aforementioned husband gets first dibs.)
Let the games begin! Next step, tune in for my 40 Before 40 desires list.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
The Adventure of Life
It has been a long time since I have sat down and the computer to just write. I write for school, in my journal, grocery lists, to do lists, emails and texts, but nothing is like writing to reflect on the moment. I just finished watching season one of Departures, a Netflix series about two 27 year old men who leave everything for a year and travel the world. I have done my fair share of traveling and am blessed to have had so many amazing moments in my life. However, watching others explore the world has sparked another fire in me to live my life to the fullest, both appreciating everything I have and also continually opening myself to experience the new.
In October I turn 40. For some reason 40 sounds old to me. When my parents were 40 I had already graduated from high school and was living on my own. My husband and many of my friends have passed this milestone year, but it never hit me what an affect it would have on me to leave my thirties. Does it really mean anything? Yes, it is just a number. I am not sure why it is a big deal but I feel like I did right after I had my first child, sort of in shock. It was literally unbelievable that I had a baby. I knew my whole life had changed in that moment. Will my whole life change at 40? Absolutely not, unless I want it to. Somehow I envision my life coming closer to it's end and I have an urge to embrace and live every single moment because I am realizing it won't last forever. A mid-life crisis? I don't think so. More like I am growing up and coming to understand that I choose who I am and what my life looks like and feels like; questioning every decision - Is this really important? Is this really want in my life? If not, then why am I choosing it? If the answer is yes, why am I not choosing it? Perhaps closing in on 40 is what created this desire or perhaps it is coincidental. All I know is that from this point out I want to consciously choose my life.
What does choosing one's life look like? Today it meant getting outside with my 18 month old and simply exploring. No plans, no destination, just simply seeing where our neighbourhood walk took us. The few hours we were out reminded me how incredible my little boy is. Always a smile on his face. Playing games, running everywhere he goes, constantly making others happy with his playfulness and easygoing nature. We walked, we stopped on what seemed like every bench, fence, step and corner to have a sit and watch cars...and it was amazing. How I love my sweet Nico.
What does choosing my life mean from this point on? It means getting clear on what lights me up from the inside and going that direction every single time. It means finding that light and joy and bringing it to the necessary day to day actions. It may mean some hard decisions and awkward or scary conversations, for breaking out of the safety of routine is not always easy. I do not know fully what it means, but I do know that it excites me. I know that every day I want my family and my good friends by my side enjoying this wonderful opportunity called life together. What lights you up? I would love to know!
In October I turn 40. For some reason 40 sounds old to me. When my parents were 40 I had already graduated from high school and was living on my own. My husband and many of my friends have passed this milestone year, but it never hit me what an affect it would have on me to leave my thirties. Does it really mean anything? Yes, it is just a number. I am not sure why it is a big deal but I feel like I did right after I had my first child, sort of in shock. It was literally unbelievable that I had a baby. I knew my whole life had changed in that moment. Will my whole life change at 40? Absolutely not, unless I want it to. Somehow I envision my life coming closer to it's end and I have an urge to embrace and live every single moment because I am realizing it won't last forever. A mid-life crisis? I don't think so. More like I am growing up and coming to understand that I choose who I am and what my life looks like and feels like; questioning every decision - Is this really important? Is this really want in my life? If not, then why am I choosing it? If the answer is yes, why am I not choosing it? Perhaps closing in on 40 is what created this desire or perhaps it is coincidental. All I know is that from this point out I want to consciously choose my life.
What does choosing one's life look like? Today it meant getting outside with my 18 month old and simply exploring. No plans, no destination, just simply seeing where our neighbourhood walk took us. The few hours we were out reminded me how incredible my little boy is. Always a smile on his face. Playing games, running everywhere he goes, constantly making others happy with his playfulness and easygoing nature. We walked, we stopped on what seemed like every bench, fence, step and corner to have a sit and watch cars...and it was amazing. How I love my sweet Nico.
What does choosing my life mean from this point on? It means getting clear on what lights me up from the inside and going that direction every single time. It means finding that light and joy and bringing it to the necessary day to day actions. It may mean some hard decisions and awkward or scary conversations, for breaking out of the safety of routine is not always easy. I do not know fully what it means, but I do know that it excites me. I know that every day I want my family and my good friends by my side enjoying this wonderful opportunity called life together. What lights you up? I would love to know!
Sunday, August 31, 2014
On the Front Line: Pleasure Research
I return to work on Wednesday but teachers resumed their position on the picket line yesterday, a week before school is due to begin. We have been reminded not to go into our schools to prepare for the year, despite the government's political move of removing the lockout restrictions for a week so we can do so. I am angry, at our union and at the government. I am saddened that it has again come to this. I have decided to take a stand not only for students and teachers, but for myself. I met with another teacher and we 'talked shop.' There, I said it. I did not stand on the picket line as I am still on maternity leave for another week, but I did not cross the line either. What I did do was to take care of myself and I plan on doing that every day for this entire school year, job action or not. I am calling it pleasure research.
I cannot count the number of times I have participated in job action in my fourteen years teaching. I prefer not to, as that in itself frustrates me. This time is different. This time I feel like teachers have been pushed too far. Although I was home with my newborn, between keeping in touch with colleagues and my teaching family members (there are many of us), having conversations with the staff at my son's school and following the news, I am well aware of the tension and stress this round of 'bargaining' has created. I use the term bargaining loosely. The way I see it, I could return to work in two ways: angry and frustrated that I cannot teach in a system that supports it's students or teachers; or determined to find pleasure every step of the way. I am choosing the latter. I will not let someone else, in this case the government, determine who I am and how I act.
So this brings me back to my pleasure research. Due to lockout conditions and then the resulting full-scale strike, teachers left their classrooms without completing their year or preparing for the next year of students. Typically I spend the month of June, post report-card writing, as well as a few weeks in August getting organized and planning curriculum and methodology for the following year. Not knowing what is next for me at school and not being able to be organized and planned is, to put it lightly, stress-inducing. Being told I cannot spend time (my own unpaid time at that) preparing in a manner that will bring me peace does not work for me. Teachers, at least I, cannot turn off who they are. So although being on strike means we are not in our classrooms teaching students, we are still educators. So often my mind is creating and developing new ideas for my teaching. On holidays or when out with my children, I regularly see things I want to use in my classroom or find myself pondering how I can really harness students' strengths and interests to help them learn. Whoever said teaching is a lifestyle is true. It encompasses all areas of my life and it is impossible to turn off.
I love my job. Teaching is my calling. Yes, I believe we need to be on strike. Yes, I will stand on that picket line to fight for adequate funding of our education system. I will not, however, close off the part of me that loves my job. I will not shut down my planning mind or stop talking to my colleagues and friends about what excites or challenges me. I will not allow this fight to harden my heart, just my resolve. In the midst of this battle and beyond it, I am going to continue to be grateful that I have a job worth fighting for. A job that calls me to become my better self and allows me the opportunity to see my students find theirs. In the midst of the struggle for what I believe, I will be proud of what I am doing and remind my colleagues that they make a difference every day they walk through the door at work or refuse to walk through that same door. In the midst of frustration and anger, I will take dance breaks, write with my treasured stationery, and connect with those who bring me laughter. Every day I will research and practice pleasure in its smallest and greatest forms. Who wants to join me?
I cannot count the number of times I have participated in job action in my fourteen years teaching. I prefer not to, as that in itself frustrates me. This time is different. This time I feel like teachers have been pushed too far. Although I was home with my newborn, between keeping in touch with colleagues and my teaching family members (there are many of us), having conversations with the staff at my son's school and following the news, I am well aware of the tension and stress this round of 'bargaining' has created. I use the term bargaining loosely. The way I see it, I could return to work in two ways: angry and frustrated that I cannot teach in a system that supports it's students or teachers; or determined to find pleasure every step of the way. I am choosing the latter. I will not let someone else, in this case the government, determine who I am and how I act.
So this brings me back to my pleasure research. Due to lockout conditions and then the resulting full-scale strike, teachers left their classrooms without completing their year or preparing for the next year of students. Typically I spend the month of June, post report-card writing, as well as a few weeks in August getting organized and planning curriculum and methodology for the following year. Not knowing what is next for me at school and not being able to be organized and planned is, to put it lightly, stress-inducing. Being told I cannot spend time (my own unpaid time at that) preparing in a manner that will bring me peace does not work for me. Teachers, at least I, cannot turn off who they are. So although being on strike means we are not in our classrooms teaching students, we are still educators. So often my mind is creating and developing new ideas for my teaching. On holidays or when out with my children, I regularly see things I want to use in my classroom or find myself pondering how I can really harness students' strengths and interests to help them learn. Whoever said teaching is a lifestyle is true. It encompasses all areas of my life and it is impossible to turn off.
I love my job. Teaching is my calling. Yes, I believe we need to be on strike. Yes, I will stand on that picket line to fight for adequate funding of our education system. I will not, however, close off the part of me that loves my job. I will not shut down my planning mind or stop talking to my colleagues and friends about what excites or challenges me. I will not allow this fight to harden my heart, just my resolve. In the midst of this battle and beyond it, I am going to continue to be grateful that I have a job worth fighting for. A job that calls me to become my better self and allows me the opportunity to see my students find theirs. In the midst of the struggle for what I believe, I will be proud of what I am doing and remind my colleagues that they make a difference every day they walk through the door at work or refuse to walk through that same door. In the midst of frustration and anger, I will take dance breaks, write with my treasured stationery, and connect with those who bring me laughter. Every day I will research and practice pleasure in its smallest and greatest forms. Who wants to join me?
To Parents of My Students
Dear Parents,
As the start of school looms and the conflict between teachers and government seems no closer to being resolved, I want to make sure you know a few things. First and most importantly, I need you to know that there is almost nothing I wouldn't do for your child. Perhaps right now some of you are finding it challenging to believe me, and I understand that you only want what is best for your child. As an educator and a parent, I too want what is best. This is leading me to return from my maternity leave and to go directly to the picket line. It leads me to find care for my own children while I go to stand up for all of our children. It urges me to give up my own salary to fight for a good future.
I know that this job action has happened before, and many think us selfish and greedy. I need you to know that yes, I think it is important that educators have good wages and working conditions. (I also know that this just hit a nerve with many of you reading this, and your blood is beginning to boil.) However, salary is not the contentious issue in negotiating. In fact, this is one issue on which both sides seem to be fairly close to agreeing. It is your child I am fighting for now. Apart from my family, it is your child I know best and care most about. It is your child I am with often more waking hours than I am with my own. I chose this path and I will keep choosing it, for it is who I am.
My path as an educator is a complex one, much like parenting. Like parenting, there is inexplicable joy and heavy heartache. There is a time for fun and a time to get down to business. However, it is also simple: I care for my students fiercely and let them know I believe in them and am there for them every single day, just as I do for my own children. That is why I stand on this picket line. I believe that all our children deserve more than this government is allowing our education system to give.
Perhaps this will be yet another round of job action that beats us down, empties our bank accounts and angers the public. In the face of this possibility, I need to choose strength and hope. I need to know that I took action to make a change to a system that is eroding. There is an old adage Never mix business with pleasure. Teaching IS who I am. It IS personal. When the government attacks my students, it attacks me. So when I stand on the picket line, I am fighting with my heart, not my purse strings.
As the start of school looms and the conflict between teachers and government seems no closer to being resolved, I want to make sure you know a few things. First and most importantly, I need you to know that there is almost nothing I wouldn't do for your child. Perhaps right now some of you are finding it challenging to believe me, and I understand that you only want what is best for your child. As an educator and a parent, I too want what is best. This is leading me to return from my maternity leave and to go directly to the picket line. It leads me to find care for my own children while I go to stand up for all of our children. It urges me to give up my own salary to fight for a good future.
I know that this job action has happened before, and many think us selfish and greedy. I need you to know that yes, I think it is important that educators have good wages and working conditions. (I also know that this just hit a nerve with many of you reading this, and your blood is beginning to boil.) However, salary is not the contentious issue in negotiating. In fact, this is one issue on which both sides seem to be fairly close to agreeing. It is your child I am fighting for now. Apart from my family, it is your child I know best and care most about. It is your child I am with often more waking hours than I am with my own. I chose this path and I will keep choosing it, for it is who I am.
My path as an educator is a complex one, much like parenting. Like parenting, there is inexplicable joy and heavy heartache. There is a time for fun and a time to get down to business. However, it is also simple: I care for my students fiercely and let them know I believe in them and am there for them every single day, just as I do for my own children. That is why I stand on this picket line. I believe that all our children deserve more than this government is allowing our education system to give.
Perhaps this will be yet another round of job action that beats us down, empties our bank accounts and angers the public. In the face of this possibility, I need to choose strength and hope. I need to know that I took action to make a change to a system that is eroding. There is an old adage Never mix business with pleasure. Teaching IS who I am. It IS personal. When the government attacks my students, it attacks me. So when I stand on the picket line, I am fighting with my heart, not my purse strings.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
On Being a Mama
Becoming a mother was not as easy journey, and now, knowing what I know, I understand that it may never be. For being a Mama takes your whole heart and I never knew it could be so full of joy, love and happiness or so full of fear, frustration and doubt. I remember having a conversation with my husband about hearing our little Nico cry. He couldn't understand why I just couldn't leave him, and I tried explaining how when our little ones are sad or in pain, it actually hurts my heart. It is not a choice or an overdramatic 'I must save my babies in this traumatic time', it's an uncontrolled physical reaction. My husband jokes that even as adults, my siblings and I are still attached to my parents by the umbilical cord. So often, that is what it feels like with my boys, like we have an invisible bond. I can understand what they need so much of the time without them having to say the words, or the right words in the case of Kai when he is upset.
Don't misunderstand me. I know it is very important for me to have an identity and adventures outside of my children. For me it is necessary and healthy, and I am lucky to have a husband who understands and supports this as well. I know that I am a better mother (and wife and friend, and overall human being) when I am taking care of myself. When I am filled up with calm and peace and joy, and feel beautiful and loved, I have so much more to give to those around me. And I love giving. Keeping a balance between self and home and work is a constant challenge for mothers, and I am no exception. I deeply wish that I had enough time and energy to be working full time (as I love my job) and at home full time. But I digress...that is another story altogether.
What is Mamahood for me?
It is being able to understand my boys without words.
It is getting to be the one who 'teaches good and gentle stuff' as Kai says, and also being so lucky to receive the hugs and kisses and cuddles they so love.
It is taking another deep breath and remembering that I am their role model and guide on this very tricky journey called growing up.
It is going on adventures or making the mundane into our own version of n aadventure.
It is repeating myself multiple times in a row, endless times a day.
It is being a safe space for my boys to be themselves and to melt down and to share their unbridled joy.
Oh, the sheer joy of being a child...I am so glad I am privy to experiencing it again, and again.
Mamahood is reflecting on why my values, beliefs and assumptions are important, and if they aren't, to be able to give them up.
It is pushing my boys when I know they are capable of being more than their worries and fears, and holding a hand when they aren't ready to be alone.
It is wanting to spend every second with them, and then needing time and space right now to be alone and untouched.
Mamahood is so complicated and so simple. It is me being me and guiding them to be them.
So on this day of celebration, when we get asked what we want to do and we have no idea because there is rarely a moment we think of ourselves...just take a deep breath, and know no matter what we do, it is who we are that counts. And if I am appreciated even close to how much I appreciate my own mother, I am indeed in the midst of constant celebration.
In the words on my 5-year old:
I love you, Mama. Everybody loves moms. They are the best in the whole family.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Around here..
Around here we are in constant activity. Not a day goes by when, after playing on the playground after school for an hour, we get home and Kai wants a play date. Not a second goes by when we don't have something to do.
Around here Nico is constantly smiling and happy, no matter what is happening (like the three teeth he is currently getting) or where we are. He just loves to be alive and taking in the world and people around him.
Around here Kai and Nico are so in awe of each other. It is amazing to witness.
Around here my body is tired more days than not, as my Sun Run training draws to a finale and I attempt to return to my old rhythms of fitness.
Around here we are in the midst of spring confusion...rain, sun, winter coat, tshirt. Oh Vancouver, how we love you and are able to wear the same wardrobe (in layers) year-round.
Around here Nico is constantly smiling and happy, no matter what is happening (like the three teeth he is currently getting) or where we are. He just loves to be alive and taking in the world and people around him.
Around here Kai and Nico are so in awe of each other. It is amazing to witness.
Around here my body is tired more days than not, as my Sun Run training draws to a finale and I attempt to return to my old rhythms of fitness.
Around here we are in the midst of spring confusion...rain, sun, winter coat, tshirt. Oh Vancouver, how we love you and are able to wear the same wardrobe (in layers) year-round.
Ode to My Thighs
Thighs, oh powerful thighs
You give me strength,
are an opening for tenderness
and lead the way in my celebration of all things,
great and small
You helped me bring my two boys into the world
and give them a place to curl up tight or lay their heads when they need love,
and a lap on which to play
Thighs, oh powerful thighs,
You hold my body through a workout
and let out a soft sigh afterwards when we slide into the bath
You draw eyes toward you and love when I show you off
Thighs, oh wonderful thighs
I bow down to your grace,
your strength,
your beauty.
You give me strength,
are an opening for tenderness
and lead the way in my celebration of all things,
great and small
You helped me bring my two boys into the world
and give them a place to curl up tight or lay their heads when they need love,
and a lap on which to play
Thighs, oh powerful thighs,
You hold my body through a workout
and let out a soft sigh afterwards when we slide into the bath
You draw eyes toward you and love when I show you off
Thighs, oh wonderful thighs
I bow down to your grace,
your strength,
your beauty.
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