In the year leading up to my 40th birthday I went on a mission to fill my time with adventures. I had so many amazing days and moments. It makes me think that is what life should be all the time, full of wonderful moments of living fully in what we desire. Never at the cost of hurting another, of course, but alongside living the dreams of those who are closest to our hearts.
You hear about when people are diagnosed with a serious or terminal illness that they wish they would have had more time to live differently. The internet is full of advice from centenarians. The thing is, I think if we take time to be still in this fast-paced world, deep inside we know what we want and how we want to live. We just don't know how to push through our fears. So we busy ourselves with our work and daily 'necessities' of cleaning our houses, doing our laundry, taking care of our children and then we don't have to blame ourselves for not living as our truest selves. We say that life is simply full already. But are our hearts and souls full as well?
I am not even halfway through my life. I know this, yet somehow turning 40 made me feel like living life that way I want to live it is of the utmost importance - starting now. Most nights I spend time putting my desires out to the universe..okay, I get them clarified in my own head and my own journal. I'm not yet that practiced at communicating them to the greater world. I am getting better but years of doing things on my own have created a pattern. Years of being in control of my own destiny yet feeling the need to keep within a structured set of rules and guidelines has really sent a message to that same universe that 'I can do it by myself, thank you very much.' Can I? Perhaps. I have been successful at many things so far in life, but I'm starting to understand (finally, my friends and family might sigh) that letting go of this control might bring me closer to my desires.
Right now my life is pretty amazing. Although the transition has been exhausting, I shifted into a new job and school in September that allows me to finally live what I have believed about education for so long. My boys are happy and healthy and full of energy. They hug me every day and I adore them. We are financially stable and secure. We have amazing family and friends whom we see often. And I know there is so much more beauty and love and adventure to be had. There is light and joy ready to burst out of me, creating an opening where so much adventure, laughter, ease and spaciousness await. But something still holds me back. So I wonder...
What would life be like if I lived from the inside out?
What would happen if I started living daily from my desires and wasn't afraid to share them?
Would the world come crashing down if I simply let my boys stay up later?
Would living as I choose energize me so I would be able to play with my boys rather than need to put them to bed so I can recover from the day?
Why am I not prioritizing self-care? What is actually getting in the way of it?
For Christmas, a girlfriend brought me a blackboard with the words 'be in love with every minute of your life'. What does that look like?
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