Restless Ruminations in the Midst of Stillness

If you were to see me right now, I would appear as a statue, comfortably frozen atop our back patio furniture.  The sun is shining, a slight breeze is in the air, the birds are chattering and not a child is in sight.

This morning I had good intentions as I dropped the boys off at their camp.  I was going to donate blood, go to my yoga class and look for a new bike.  I have been sitting on the back porch for a few hours now, silent.  Before that I sat inside, motionless except for my spinning brain and bursting heart.  I keep thinking I should make use of this rare time without demands on me, but my body just won't move.  It is content to be still and to let the world move around me.  To stop and simply notice.  To pay attention.

As someone who has struggled and does struggle still with anxiety, I am always on the move.  Getting things done, checking them off my list and being on top of what is coming next has lent me a sense of control.  Many anxious people are calmed by a sense of control.  This year, however, I am spending time being in the moment and focusing on home.  On stopping and being with what is, grounding myself, checking in with my body and my mind to see what I truly need.  Simplifying.  Remembering what is truly important.  Not surprisingly, the less I do, the less I have to do.  The less I have, the less there is to take care of.  It is opening up these spaces in my life.  Space to simply be.  Space to do what makes me happy, what calls to me.  Space to pass time with my boys rather than rushing from one activity to the next.  Today it has given me the space to dream and to remember the importance of cultivating a life that is fully lived and full of love.

A life with these crazies is never dull. How I love my family...