Kai at 5 - Part Two: 10 Things About You

1."I'm not going to." - You have been practicing defiance for the past few months much to our chagrin.  Safe for a few instances you have been easy to get along with and pretty good at knowing boundaries.  Fast forward to the past few months when everything was

2. Playing us off of each other

3. Starting to bond with Nico

4.  Obsessed with video games.

5. Using your amazing imagination.

6.  In love with stuffed animals. (Playing with the dog family)

7. Learning to read.

8.  Love bike riding with your Dad

9.  Helping to clean up after dinner

10.  Experimenting with lying.

11.  Love being with others - playdates and visits with your family.

Spaciousness: Room to Breathe

When I was in my twenties I had my first experience with depression and anxiety.  I remember what seemed weeks of my body feeling SO heavy in my bed each morning that I was unable to get out no matter how much I thought I should.  I remember wanting people to check in on me as I lived by myself at the time.  I remember desperately needing to do absolutely nothing.  I was a substitute teacher at the time, between jobs, and I ignored calls to work.  What I didn't know was how much this would affect my life forever, in good ways.

One afternoon I was at my friend Kim's house and we talked about what was happening with me.  She walked me into her room and pulled out a book called feeling good: the new mood therapy by David Burns http://www.amazon.ca/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336.  She said this had helped her.  Although I also took medication for 2 years to help with chemical balance, I read and applied concepts in this book daily.  It is there where I begun to find tools to help me manage depression and anxiety in my life.

Although it seems simple and obvious now, one of the biggest triggers for my anxiety was that sometimes my life and my to-do list seemed overwhelmingly large.  It felt out of my control.  It was literally debilitating.  There was nothing people could do or say to help me gain perspective.  Reason and logic were not in play. Despite all the love and support of my family and friends, I had to do this on my own. I needed them to understand that what I needed from them was to simply be there for me without judgement or advice.  A tall order when someone you love cannot get herself out of bed for hours some days.  Slowly, I learned to break down the overwhelming tasks into a dozen small tasks and could feel a sense of accomplishment if I even moved one step towards completing a baby step.  It was amazing how effective this was for me.  As time went by, using this tool and others allowed the anxiety to diminish and I wondered if perhaps I had found this book before taking medication, that I wouldn't have needed it at all.  Either way, I trust that life happened as it was meant to.

Fast forward 6 or so years...

As a teacher and a person with a tendency towards a Type A personality, I had a lot of control in my life.  Order. Predictability.  It is what allowed me to breathe, to have fun, to enjoy life.  And I have always enjoyed life.  I love to travel, try new things and am always learning something new.  Enter a baby.  My baby.  My first baby.

I am very comfortable around children.  Growing up with three siblings and working with children most of my life, I get them.  But having my own baby, I was not prepared for the GIANT learning curve.  I love my son, but he was  not an easy baby.  To make a long story short, I dove headlong back into anxiety and couldn't trust a single instinct of my own.  This story of postpartum depression is one that deserves a much longer post, which I was save for a later date.  However, what it made very clear to me was that I needed to start listening to my body more and trusting myself in the inherent wisdom I was born with, as a human, as a woman, as a mother.  It does not come naturally to me.  In my job, yes, I am very confident.  And now, as a mother, I have gained the experience to be more confident.  But more importantly, becoming a mother to two beautiful boys I have been shown that my first instincts when it comes to them are almost always right.  Perhaps it is because we have an innate bond from them being created inside of me, but whatever the reason, they continue to teach me every day that if I listen to myself and them carefully, the answers will always come.  They may not always be what I expect or what is comfortable, but I really do know that when I give myself room to breathe and then simply listen, everything will come out alright.  When I stretch myself too thin or try to accomplish too much without allowing spaciousness, I become stifled and stifle others in my life.

Thank you boys for continuously reminding me to breathe.

Fire

What makes a fire burn
is space between the logs,
a breathing space.
Too much of a good thing,
too many logs
packed in too tight
can douse the flames
almost as surely
as a pail of water would.

So building fires
requires attention
to the spaces in between,
as much as to the wood.

When we are able to build
open spaces
in the same way
we have learned
to pile on the logs,
then we can come to see how
it is fuel, and absence of fuel
together, that make fire possible.

We only need to lay a log
lightly from time to time.
A fire
grows
simply because the space is there,
with openings
in which the flame
that knows just how it wants to burn
can find its way.

-Judy Brown

My Sweet Husband

I am not sure how to start this but with a heartfelt thank you.  We/I have had many big transitions and milestones this year and you have more than helped me celebrate them.  I know you are not someone who feels the need or desire to celebrate for yourself and you somehow married a woman (and into a family) who celebrates every little moment.  I imagine it must seem a bit over the top at times. However this only makes it SO much more meaningful and touching when you go out of your way to make my moments special.

You volunteered to stay home with the boys when we were invited to Sophia's wedding in New Orleans rather than coming with me so that I could have some girl time.

You surprised me by planning an amazing weekend in Whistler on our 10th wedding anniversary.  There is nothing better than not having to plan a thing.  This was a luxurious gift in itself.

You took me out for a night on the town on the evening of our actual anniversary date and allowed me to choose where to eat and drink and walk on a whim.  It was such a fun and spontaneous night and I loved every moment.

And then there was my 40th birthday...

And driving the kids to daycare every morning...

And giving me quiet time when I need it...

And making dinner on the weekends...

And so much more.

Thank you for all you do for me and our boys.  Thank you.

40 Years of Blessings and Adventures...and some musings on life today.

This morning I spontaneously took the day off work to take care of my health.  It needed to be done.  Although I would not say that I am stressed out, the daily stressors of life creep up silently and some days just need to be quiet and full of self-care.  This morning this first began with having some time with Kai before he headed off to school, making the beginnings of a winter wardrobe for his Owl (stuffie).  We cut a piece of dashing fabric to make a scarf and then Kai decided Owl needed a Santa hat.  This was followed by a chiropractic appointment for both of us while Marc dropped Nico of at daycare.  Apparently this is what to doctor should have ordered for both of us.  Kai had an adult sized adjustment and before mine one of my legs was almost one inch longer than the other.  Say what?!? What does that even mean?  Thanks to the brilliant Dr. Janelle I walked away with balance.  The scary thing is that even though I knew my lower back was tight, I had no idea how badly it had affected the rest of my body.  And believe me, after years of chiropractic care, I should know better. Famous last words.

After making a quick trip to a cafe for a morning tea for me and cinnamon bun for my sweet boy, I dropped him off at school and my mind began to churn: now that my body was more in alignment, perhaps it was time to look at the rest of my life.  Now this is not a dramatic thing as it is for some but rather part of who I am.  A blessing and a curse, self-reflection needs to have a huge allotment of time in my life.  Working full time, parenting two young boys and finding space for generally addressing daily needs, never mind self-care and socializing, doesn't leave much room for self-reflection,  I am constantly trying to find balance.

In the midst of our wonderful morning Kai asked me if I could pick him up early today.  I responded with, "Sorry, buddy, I am going to the gym today."  When he finally understood why he couldn't come with me, he replied, "Can't you go to the gym when Daddy is home?"  Oh, my little buddy your Daddy suggested that same idea months ago.  Perhaps it is time to listen.  Oddly enough, in my mind rushing to the gym right after work was a sacrifice I was willing to make so we could all be home together in the evening.  Apparently this rushing business and late arrival home doesn't really work for anyone.  Sadly it took me months to realize this, but we all do things in our own time, don't we?  What I know about myself is that I need some 'trying things out' and then some space to really process if it is what I/we really want before I am able to hear what other people are saying to me.  Again, the need for personal reflection can sometimes be a blessing or a curse.  It never means I don't hear what people are saying or respect others' opinions, but simply that I need to run it by my own little tribe of beliefs, values, desires and needs also.  So yes, Kai, next time you ask I hope to be able to say, "I can't wait to pick you up early!", even though I know you will be running to your friend's house as soon as we walk through the door.  Happy kids make a happy mom.

Work versus Home and Family

When I gave birth to both my boys, they had the foresight to be born at the end of summer.  What that meant for me as a teacher was that I got two months of holiday before they were born and then a full year of maternity leave afterward.  Yes, I know, I am spoiled.  Thank you Canada and the Vancouver School Board.  Upon returning to work we had a challenging time finding childcare, so I ended up staying home one day per week and working four days.  It was a beautiful thing.  I got to be around for Kai's first year of school on maternity leave then I was able to still check in and support him once a week in Grade One.  All the kids at school know Nico and he is part of the community.  I felt connected to the community too and have made some good 'mom friends' through school.

Now that both boys are settled into good care and I have a new teaching job, I am working full-time. As a type A personality, being in my classroom full time is easier somehow than sharing work space and a vision for the year.  Or so I thought.  In the search for a more inspired, collaborative work environment, I found the perfect situation...at UBC, unfortunately a long commute from home in after work traffic.  With a new position at a literally new school, teaching a new grade level the new government curriculum, all with a new team in a new type of educational setting and a population of largely ELL learners, my work is FULL ON.  The challenge suits me and interests me and I love that I am growing and learning and improving every day.  What doesn't work for me is being away from my kids so much.  I know, everyone does it, but that doesn't mean we want to or we should.  Don't get me wrong, teaching is my calling and I do not want to give it up, I just want to find balance.  I want to be there for my boys and know what is happening in their lives.  Go on field trips with them and have playdates.  Whisk them away from school or daycare early to go on an adventure, just because.  I know what you are thinking: You have so many holidays.  (Just so you know, I am on a 10-month salary).  You get off work at 3 pm, so you have lots of time with you kids.  Wrong.  Yes, I get off earlier in theory than many jobs.  But I also work before and after school for hours because I take pride in my work.  By the time I get home with the kids, it is time to rapidly throw together some dinner for my instantly ravenous children, eat, clean up and do dishes, make lunches for tomorrow, do a bunch of menial tasks and then put them to bed before I sit on the couch and breathe.

I am not complaining, although I may seem like I am.  I know all of this needs to happen and everyone does it.  I know it seems like nobody has time anymore.  What I am questioning is the why.  I know it drives my husband batty when I think that I can have my cake and eat it too.  The fact is that I honestly think I can most of the time with some creative thinking and help.  I think we all can.  I know it drives my personal trainer crazy when I call last minute to cancel an appointment because something has come up.  I get it.  I can be frustrating and seemingly selfish.  (However, I do still have to pay her and she gets an extra hour free!)  Maybe I am, but the way I see it, we only live once.  We need to follow our hearts and our dreams.  All of us.  We need to find ways to support each other to live our biggest lives possible, whether that means living quietly in the company of our closest friends and family or taking the world by storm.

My 40 years on this planet have been filled with blessings and adventures, big and small.  My freedom.  My family. My boys. My friends.  My travels.  And yes, I want more.

Feast of Gratitude and Celebration: October Long Weekend 2015

The soul always desires that which will most reveal it's true nature.

-Danielle LaPorte

October 11th is my 40th birthday.  The following day is Thanksgiving.  Last month was my tenth wedding anniversary.  In September I start a new job, an opportunity that matches up almost perfectly with a desires list that I brainstormed less than a year ago but I have been dreaming up for years.  I am a dreamer, always have been and always will be.  It works for me.  

Clarity creates simplicity.

 As you know, I am also planner.  Planner + dreamer = amazing opportunities.  Over the years my dreams have gotten bigger, but as I have become more patient with them, they are also much clearer.  As amazing Danielle says yet again (she must be my new guru), clarity creates simplicity.  I believe the universe, like Santa Claus, finds it easier to deliver when it knows precise details.  Does it always deliver exactly as I have dreamed, in the same manner and timing I desire?  Not usually, but as Mama Gena likes to say in response to a desire, "So shall it be or something even better."  Often it is something better.  Like that girls' weekend in Seattle that was surreal it was so fun.  Or my amazing trip to New Orleans for Sophia's wedding that was adventure upon adventure.  Or on an even larger scale, bringing my boys into the world.  Now that was a journey into some tough places that I never would have chosen to go, but on the other end of it I have the two most amazing boys I could ever dream of.  They are my 'something even better' a hundred-fold.

So where am I going with this post?  TO A PARTY, OF COURSE!

What is better than my birthday and Thanksgiving on the same weekend? Celebrating en masse with my friends and family!  Okay, for real, this is nothing I have planned out or discussed with my husband yet.  (Note: Although when we briefly discussed where we were having Thanksgiving dinner this year, as we share years between our two families, and I mentioned that it was also my birthday weekend, he did say that something to the effect of me getting to choose what we did that weekend.)  Thanks, love!

So here is the dream...

Imagine a beautiful, sunny, warm October day turning into a crisp but comfortable evening.  Perhaps a light breeze.  (Hey, if I'm going to dream, I might as well ask for the perfect weather too!)  All my friends and family amazingly have their family Thanksgiving celebrations on a different day so they are free to attend.  (Again, a girl can dream.)  We are in a backyard garden that is big enough to hold us and our playing children, but is still intimate.  There is one long table that I have had help decorating to look beautiful.  Definitely there are candles for the evening and fresh cut flowers.  The turkey is cooked by my dearest husband and everyone has brought a side dish, appetizer or dessert to share.  Perhaps drinks are in the Canooler (canoe + ice = cooler, reminiscent of our wedding).  A few of my old students, Sarah and Savannah, are around to look after the younger kids when needed.  The adults are hanging out, having a drink, and simply having a good, relaxed time.  The meal is delicious, gratitudes are shared and bellies are full.

As it turns to evening, a movie is turned on for the kiddies, they are given a snack and the adults continue to relax with cold drinks or hot tea and coffee, and my tiramisu birthday cake is brought out for all to enjoy under the string of lights weaving back and forth across the back yard.

Over the course of the day, we have all been writing our desires and gratitudes on little slips of paper and putting them in a glass bowl in a simple ritual to honour ourselves and the birthday girl's love of such things.

So what now?

I would love for this all to happen with ease.  I will take all help, advice, input, offerings of resources and know-how, and of course someone to plan the event itself. <wink>  

In all seriousness, some of the logistics of this seem a bit sketchy, but who I am to say it isn't possible?!  Our back yard perhaps isn't big enough, or perhaps it is.  It may rain (we are in Vancouver, after all), so need a plan for that too... a beautiful room with glass windows looking out onto nature sounds great although I don't want this to become an expensive event in the least.

Anyhow, I will finish as I started, with a quote from Danielle LaPorte that I am going to make about my loved ones an my Feast of Gratitude and Celebration:

You are important.

You are incredible.

You are loved.

Your presence is needed here.

(in the world, but also at my feast) ;)

2015-2016

There is so much I want to do and see, so here are a few for the next year.  (Note, in the house of a school teacher with two August babies, the year always begins at the end of summer vacation.)

• weekly snowboarding with Marc
• Kai ski lessons (should be free)
• build boys a tree house in the back yard
• trip to NYC with the girls

Embracing the Wild

Those of you who know me know that I am not wild by any stretch of the imagination.  There have been glimpses, moments of craziness, usually when I am out drinking or dancing, but they are not the norm.  I grew up in a small town on the conservative side, in a family with strong values of responsibility and making good choices.  I chose to become an elementary school teacher, which comes with its own expectation to follow the straight and narrow.  Now don't get me wrong, I love my town, my family and my career.  I wouldn't change any of them.  I have led a blessed life in so many ways, that is for sure.  But now it is time to embrace a little of the wild...

Perhaps it was the recent trip to New Orleans with its voodoo and celebration of the mystical or the many friends of mine who acknowledge the spiritual world with ease and comfort, but I am beginning to feel a pull towards a new exploration of these worlds.  No, I am not intending to practice black magic or put pins in a doll of any kind.  I simply want to learn more and bravely dip a toe in the water to see what where it takes me.  Perhaps that will simply mean reading a book on the subject, watching some more Outlander ;), or doing another sweat lodge with a more open mind than I had the last time.  I am curious and believe in there being something more than what we can see, but I do not know what.  I know I have some faith in the law of attraction, and that by simply writing down my desires (and not even necessarily sharing them) they are more likely to show up for me.  That I am sure of.

I wasn't brought up religious although my parents were always open to me attending different churches or learning about different belief systems.  I have traveled, lived and learned enough to know that the majority of the human race has faith in something greater.  Lately, the mystical world  is showing up in my dreams, in conversations and is simply on my radar.  Who am I to ignore it?  I have gotten this far in life and created so much I am proud of and love by trusting my instinct and following my heart. Where will this lead?

Where are you in your life in relation to the spiritual?  How open are you?  I would love to hear your stories...