Nico: 3 months

 You happy little boy, you make every day a joy.  This first picture is so like you - relaxed, happy and enjoying life.  This has been a full and fun month with you.

Some growing milestones:

Every minute you are awake, it is like we have taken you to an amusement park for you first time.  Everything makes you smile: when we stick our tongues out, when we make noises, people walking by...I hope life continues to be so amazing and wonderful for you.

Like the loving boy you are, at 12 weeks you waited until I, Daddy and Kai were all watching to roll over from your tummy to your back for your first time (and ironically, last time for much longer).

Experimenting - the world and everything in it is a toy.  You stick your tongue out and twist it like no one has ever done it before. Being able to lift your legs up now, you train like you are heading to the Olympics.  People, television in the background, moving objects...like the are the best thing you have ever seen, each one.

You are beginning to have some hand control, which is perfect timing to help yourself learn how to put yourself back to sleep, but you are sucking on your fist and thumb now for soothing too.  The other side of hand control is grabbing - you find my hair fascinating and Oma bought you a rattle that you shake and chew on all the time.

Sleep training:  You love to sleep...on me mostly, as it happens.  Since the beginning, you have taken to cuddling up on me in the carrier or on the couch and when I am with you, it is the only place you will sleep.  When Daddy took the 'night shift' so I could sleep, for some reason you would sleep in the bassinette for a few hours at a time, but as soon as I entered the feeding/sleeping cycle, day or night, it was on me you preferred.  As much as I loved the sweet smell, warmth and feel of you curled again me and totally surrendered, my back was less enthusiastic.  So we decided it was time for some sleep training.  As with everything, you took to it like a dream.  Yes, we had a few days of you being confused and upset on and off, but the routine suited you and you began to sleep in your crib, getting up less and less during the night.  After a few weeks, you were routinely sleeping through the night to everyone's surprise and excitement.

FAMILY

You are blessed, our wee one, to be surrounded by family so often, but December is an especially busy, exciting time of traditions and visits with both sides of the family.  Before the actual day of Christmas (as we will include that in your 4 month post), we had a tree decorating party and family photos at Uncle Jason, Auntie Lisa and Lizzie's new house in Langley; we went to the Christmas train; we had a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa's and watched your brother toboggan one evening with his good friend Ben and his family.  This is one of my favourite times of year, and I am so glad this is the beginning of sharing it with you.  You are so loved, Nico, and share your love openly in return.  We too are blessed.

A Quiet Moment

Snow falling

good book in hand

baby sleeping

hot mug of chai

exhale...

Winter Joy Calendar

Yes, I know.  It is just like me to try to schedule in joy.  However, I love this season so much that there are things I want to make sure to do and to experience.  In fact, maybe I will try to do this kind of list for every season.  Will we get to them all?  Probably not.  I do value calm and downtime as much as (or maybe often more than) the next person, but I like to have options.  So here are some activities I will put on my list in no particular order.

Giving

1. Donate pyjamas to Dr. Janelle's yearly Pyjama Drive in coordination with the Lower Mainland Christmas Bureau.  To read more about it, go to http://www.mainstchiropractic.ca/pyjama-drive


2. Put together a Christmas gift basket to a family in need through Cedar Cottage Neighbourhood House.

3.  Make cookies/treats to take to the people who work Christmas Eve to help people in need.  For example, the hospital emergency room, the fire hall, the ambulance hall or the police station.

Making

1.  Make baking in a jar gifts.  For example, this year we are making Cowboy Cookies in a Jar.  You can find some great ideas here: http://theartofsimple.net/17-last-minute-gift-ideas-from-your-pantry/

2.  Participate in our yearly cookie exchange the first weekend in December.


3.  Create our yearly Christmas tree ornament.  I hope to begin a new tradition this year with the kids making an ornament every year that will then go in a box for them to take when they move away from home.

Having Fun

1.  Toboganning at Cypress Mountain with friends and family.

2. Weekly Friday night movie nights.  We will start tomorrow night with the Polar Express.  In the future I hope to watch this the Friday before we...

3.  Go on the Polar Express in Squamish.  I didn't hear about this until too late this year, so will try to book earlier next year.

4.  Continue our yearly family tradition of Bright Nights in Stanley Park.

5.  Snowshoeing.

Learning

1.  Even though I am not religious, I would like Santa Claus to have a little more meaning that someone who brings presents.  So I think I will incorporate St. Nicholas on December 6th next year.  See this blog for more information: http://theartofsimple.net/st-nicholas-the-real-santa-claus/

Any winter fun you have that we may love too?

To My Sweet Boy in Times of Trouble

My sweet boy,

Underneath that crazy, fun-loving exterior, you have a kind and sensitive heart.  I love that you embrace both sides of yourself and are not afraid to share either.  These past three months for you have been a struggle.  So much change in a short time for such a young guy that I know it must be overwhelming and confusing at times.  Until recently you were our only little boy and you have been showered with love in so many ways and from so many people that it must be hard to have to share us with your little brother.  We understand, little one, that it must seem as if you have to be a big boy all of a sudden.  You have to help out more, become more independent, learn all about school and make new friends all while trying to figure out your place in the world.  We know.  We are doing everything we can to make it easier for you.  It takes some adjustments on all our parts.  Know that we love you with all our hearts and always will.

This year you have also been trying to understand what dying means.  It started in March when we visited your Great-Papa's grave.  You were so sad and could not understand why someone we love was under the ground.  You were concerned that he did not want to be there.  I did my best to explain it to you, but some days I do not even know what I believe to be true.  A few weeks ago, my Nanny's partner Harry died and she came to stay with Grandma and Grandpa for the week.  We went and visited her and when your teacher asked, you told her, "Nanny is sad because Harry died."  Simple, but not. 

You have been having trouble with so many things lately that I am sure you are just figuring out how to process everything.  You cling to me when I leave you at kindergarten.  You take many self-chosen breaks in the coat room at school.  You have started using so many more comfort items again, including stuffies and your old blankie.  In the day, you are so emotional and at night you need me to lay with you as you fall asleep.  You are scared of everything these days as well.  Perhaps it is your imagination growing or maybe it is an excuse to take me with you wherever go you.  Whatever it is, know I am here to walk through it with you.

As we are sure you are aware, your Opa is very sick and will not be with us much longer.  I do not yet know what to tell you.  You understand dying means that we will not see Opa anymore and we can explain the scientific reasons why people die, but I do not know how to explain how to heal your heart or feel better.  It is sad to have to lose a loved one so young.  What I do know is that when you are surrounded by people who love you so much, as you are, we will do everything we can to bring you peace.

My sweet boy, you are going through a lot right now, but know that whenever you go through times of trouble, we are here for you.  We are here to listen, and to hold you, and to love you with all our hearts. 

A Moment in Time

The fog hangs over the quiet street

As we remain in our pyjamas

and play with a stuffie family

using hushed voices

while baby lay sleeping

Our Nico at Three Months: Smiling and Learning

To our happy boy,

This has been a big month for you.  You are really continuing to develop your own personality and you are so amazing.  If I could describe you in one word it would be smiling.  You are in love with the world and we are all in love with you.  What makes you smile?  Pretty much everything.  You love to observe the world around you and especially the people.  You are definitely a people person...so easygoing and adaptable, there are very few things that make you unhappy.  You love it when people play with you and make faces at you, which is what your big brother is best at, so you can't get enough of him.  You like to play with your tongue often, curling it up, and Kai gets a big kick out of it when you copy him by sticking it out.

You also have found the pleasure of making noise.  You have begun to 'chat' with us and we have spent a lot of time with you resting back on my knees and getting to know one another.  It is one of my favourite things to do with you.  That said, you have started using your voice to share your dislikes as well, such as when I leave you in your chair to go grab something from the kitchen and you lose sight of me.

This month you have been on a learning journey as well.  You have learned to suck on your fists to soothe yourself, to hold a rattle (although you aren't sure what to do with it yet), to lift your legs up high when on your back and your head up high when on your tummy and you even rolled over onto your back once on your 12 week birthday.  Thank you for waiting until Daddy, Kai and I were all close by and could cheer you on!  The hardest learning for all of us was when we did sleep training, and even there you took it easy on us.  The first two days and nights were a bit rough, but you didn't want us in the room with you (in fact, that made you more frustrated) and only a few days into practicing putting yourself to sleep you slept 6, 8, 9 and even 12 hours straight once in the night!  And no matter how long you had been crying, you always went straight back to smiling once you were up.  In fact, that was probably the trickiest part to learning about your sleep needs - you seem to be happy all the time so it was hard to tell when was the right time to go down for a nap!

So now you sleep amazingly, peacefully drifting off with rarely a sound more times than not, and continue to be a happy guy both awake and asleep.  Like your Mommy, you seem to thrive with some routine and predictability, but you are still easygoing when I have to wake you up early or putting you down late as we work with Kai's school schedule as well.  Thank you for being so easy, love.

This month we also went to visit your Great Nanny at Gramma and Grampa's house for a few nights and you were a dream.  You charmed your way into Nanny's heart and were an amazing little traveler.  You have and will continue to spend a lot of time with our big family, so it is wonderful to know that you will be happy no matter where you are or who is holding you.

It has been a big month for you, sweet Nico, and we are so proud of you and in love with you.

Love always,
your Mama

Bless his heart...

Peace is kisses.  Melt his Mama's heart. 

Among so many other things, Kai has a sweetness and innocence I hope he keeps forever.

After seeing this art outside his classroom door, I got a note from his teacher that said:

"Aside from the enrichment Kai gets from home, I really think he is just a super motivated learner!  He is full of joy when he reads!"

That's our boy...so full of joy.  We love you, buddy.

Who I Am...

This is me.

Longing to be back in post-pregnancy shape, going to yoga classes and the gym
but instead finding ways to feel good in my body until I again have time to devote to myself

The me who is holding my boys close while trying to teach them independence

The me who texts and emails more often than I see my friends
but understanding this newborn phase is short lived
and soon both my wee ones will be all grown up

The me who is so proud of how loving my son is,
how involved my husband is
and how calm I am being in the midst of this crazy storm called parenting

The me who over-thinks and over-plans
but also over-hugs and over-I-love-yous.

Yes,
this is me,
and I am blessed.

The Written Word

Tonight I came across a project I did for a literacy class in my education program.  I wrote a book of poetry reflecting on my where I was in my life and where I came from.  Some are good and others not so much.  However, what struck me was the honesty.  I can return to the time of the writing like it was yesterday.  I had recently completed my undergraduate studies, gone on a month trip through Europe, returned to end things with my long-time boyfriend and recently begun my education program to become a teacher.  It was a time of turmoil, of uncertainty and as the cliche goes, I was finding myself.  What became clear in reading my work was how much my heart ached and how I longed to not only know who I was but to also share that self with others.  Herein lies the power of the written word.

For years following that book, I cannot recall writing very often beyond in my journal.  I was busy establishing my career, looking for 'the one', and enjoying life.  It was not until the birth of my first son that I returned to writing.  Again, I was writing from my heart, as a way to express the myriad of powerful emotions that come with bearing a child.  Emotions I was unprepared for and that arrived on my doorstep like a tidal wave.   The pain of being unable to soothe my crying child.  The joy his smiles brought.  The pride when he took his first step.  The heartache when another child refused to play with him on the playground. 

These emotions not only stemmed from my connection to my child, however, but also from the need to rediscover myself within this new world of parenthood, and now into the world of parenting two children.  As always, here I am again, returning to the written word.  Remembering how simple strikes on the keyboard can soothe my anxieties, share my excitement and help me find myself when it is so easy to get lost in dishes, diapers and to do lists.  I am thankful for blank pages and their invitation to pour out thoughts as they come, for they serve as both a meditation and a place to be known to myself and my others.  A place for clarity and honesty. 

Nico at Two Months

My sweet little boy,

Your Daddy, big brother and I love you so much.  You have grown and learned so much over the past few months that I thought we would take a moment to celebrate who you are now...

You love to eat -
Since Day 1 you have been eating like a champion.  You love your milk and are growing into a very healthy little boy.  When we went for your first weigh-in with Annie, our midwife, to make sure you were getting back to your birth weight, she was surprised that not only had you returned to 7 pounds 7 ounces but you had actually put on extra weight!  Unlike your big brother, you seem to have very few digestive problems and burp like a pro!  (The things we parents are proud of...)

You can't wait to be able to suck on your fingers -
You are a soother baby.  You love to use the soother to help you fall asleep, but also very promptly spit it out when you think you don't need it anymore.  Sometimes your timing is right but other times you wake up and cry as soon as you have spit it out.  You have spent the first two months working on controling your hands so you could bring them to your mouth when you wanted to.  One time you accidentally hooked your thumb in your mouth and put yourself to sleep in seconds!  On the other hand, you have also punched yourself in the face a few times, but finally in the past week you  seem to be able to get that right hand to your mouth when you want it.  The poor left hand is often neglected.  Unfortunately for you, your hand is too big to fit into your mouth so it currently frustrates more than soothes you, but don't worry - one day soon you will be able to open your hands and get your thumb in there too.  Your Auntie Kelly thinks it is funny that I encourage you to be a thumb sucker, but I just want you to be able to learn the skills to help yourself stay calm when you need too.  Really, I have the best intentions!

You are a cuddler - Boy do you love the feel of being cuddled in Mommy's arms. (see note about sleeping location below).  I so hope you still that way when you are older, for that is what makes me feel the happiest - cuddles with my boys.


You are particular about your sleeping location -
During the day as long as you are sleeping on me in some form, you rarely make a peep.  Twice a day for your nap we seem to be on the move to or from Kai's school.  With every journey I keep hoping that you will fall asleep in the stroller, but without fail within about 15 minutes at most you are upset.  Like magic, as soon as you are in the carrier next to my chest you sigh and fall asleep, only to awake when I try to put you down or it is time to eat.  I love the feeling of having you close, but my back wishes you would go down more often.  At home, with the help of your beloved bathroom fan for a few minutes and occasionally your soother, you fall asleep in my arms and lay upon my chest on the couch while I read, surf the internet on my phone or watch a show.  A few times lately we have gotten you to fall asleep in the swing for short periods as well.  Your bassinet seems to be only for a few naps during the night and only when you are really tired.

Your smile melts my  heart -
Your first smile was when you were just a few days over a month old.  Since then you love to grin often.  My favourite time of the day is when you first wake up in the morning.  Right after to have your bottle, I put you on the change table and we have our best bonding time.  For some reason, the change table is one of your favourite places.  While I change you and for a good length of time after, you are all smiles and conversation.  Okay, you can't talk yet, but you sure try.  So we just smile at each other.  I stick out my tongue and make silly sounds that make you try to copy and then you smile even more.  It melts a Mama's heart.

You really want to talk -
Whether on the change table, beside me on the couch or on my lap, after a feed in particular you love to try to chat.  You look at me, you arms and legs get a moving and your mouth opens.  Your eyes get a gleam in them, but nothing yet comes out of your mouth.  Okay, a few times you have squeaked or squacked, and Kai would swear that you know 'a' and 'e' (He thinks after 'a', the next letter you will naturally learn is 'b'.).  If you are anything like your big brother, once you start talking, you will never stop.  And that twinkle in your eye makes me think you will be pulling pranks like the best of them as well.  I can't wait to hear what you have to say...

You go wherever big brother goes -
Okay, so it is not really your choice, but since you were just over a week old, you have come with me every day to drop your brother off at Kindergarten and pick him up in the afternoon.  You are a hit with all the kids in his class who just can't wait to 'pet' you, and you have been the draw for so many adults to start up a conversation with me.  I'm sure I wouldn't know so many people, big and small, at Kai's school if it weren't for the cute little bundle I bring with me.  Thanks for helping me out, little buddy!

You are pretty chill -
For a boy who only sleeps about 13 hours a day, you are pretty chill.  So far you have skipped the purple crying phase, with the exception of a couple of nights and a day, which makes me think something must have been bothering your tummy.  You can stay in your chair or laying on a blanket for a little while happy as a clam as long as you can see us, and you are growing fond of the swinging chair as well.  As long as we are following your sleeping requirements, you fall asleep easily and quick for the most part as well.  Importantly, you also like hanging out with our whole big crazy family and are as happy in their arms as you are in ours.  I think you are going to be one easygoing little boy.

You are one wonderful little boy.  We are so lucky to have you in our family and can't wait to see what comes next for you, Nico.

Mama-Nico Nap Time

I love you. So much.

Okay, I get it.  I get why people have no problem with their babies sleeping on them.  Why they treasure it, in fact.  No, just a few weeks ago I didn't understand it.  All I wanted was a minute to myself...to eat, to wash my face, to put your bottles in the dishwasher so we would have some clean ones for your next feeding time, and perhaps to sneak in a little writing.  People kept telling me to enjoy it while it lasts but all I could think was 'Will this ever end?'

I have always been someone who needs personal space and alone time in order to be healthy and relaxed.  I need time to process my thoughts and express them through the written word in order to maintain a sense of peace.  Having a baby and a five-year old is not conducive to reflection beyond 'How can I keep these two munchkins happy?'  At least it isn't yet. 

My focus has been to enjoy Nico as I know he will be our last baby, and oftentimes I am successful while other times I wonder when he will reach the stage where he can sleep in his crib and not on me.  However the other day I got a form from the Pacific Centre for Reproductive Medicine (PCRM) that asked what we wanted to do with our frozen embryos.  Bam!  That helped me to focus the second I opened the envelope and realized what was inside.

Our journey to parenthood was a long, often foggy road.  After extensive testing and no reason as to why we could not conceive 'naturally', we went the route of In Vitro Fertilization.  It gave us our incredible Kai.  Fast forward four years and we returned to do a frozen embryo transfer with embryos from our IVF cycle, and Nico arrived soon after.  As anyone who has done any form of assisted reproduction knows, it is not a simple procedure.  Pills, injections, ultrasounds, blood tests...and this is just the start.  Emotionally and physically it is challenging, especially when the success of these medical procedures seems the only path to achieve one of my life long dreams - to be a mother.

So when I opened the envelope and knew it was time to say good-bye to our remaining embryos (by donating them to scientific research rather than incinerating them, which was definitely NOT an option), I felt like I was beginning to grieve.  My husband felt a sense of relief and I felt sadness.  Now, I know giving birth to another child is not in our future and am fine with that, but somehow giving up those embryos feels like each one was a little bundle of possibility that I am turning the light out on.  It feels like I am having a miscarriage again but this time it is my choice.  I am secure in our decision but still need time to let go.

So this is why I am holding so tightly to my little Nico and reveling in the little sighs he makes in his sleep and the warmth of his body on mine.  This is why I lean over the change table and exchange sweet smiles with him every chance I get.  My boys are my everything and I am so thankful that they both love to show affection and hold me close as well. 

To My Big Boy at 5...What an Adventure!

Dear Kai,

A month and a half has passed since your birthday and so many things have changed in your world.  You now go to kindergarten, you have a little brother and you turned five, all in the span of a few weeks.  It has been a bit of a whirlwind, but I finally have a moment to share a little of what you mean to me and how you
have helped me to grow both into a parent and as a person.

A few days ago, this was posted on Facebook, and it is exactly our relationship.  We not only help each other balance out, but we are a place for each other to explore the other, less dominant, side of our selves.



WHO YOU ARE

Loving

Every morning you get up you give me a big hug and kiss.  Every night at bed you do the same and tell me you love me.  How I love this about you.  You do not hold back with your affection and I hope you never do.  I have seen so many children, especially boys, at your daycare and school who will not hug and kiss their parents good-bye, but so far you are not one of them.  In fact it does not even seem to bother you when your friends say 'yuck' when you say your good-byes to me, which is very impressive.  When you see any of our family you run towards them, jump into their arms and give them a big 'squeezie hug' which I know they love so much.  Your family obviously means so much to you as you do to them.  I am so glad that you have the opportunity to live so close to everyone and see them so often.  Not all children are so lucky.  I hope that your are always surrounded by loved ones and forever continue to show them your heart so openly and honestly without holding back.  This is a quality to treasure, my sweet boy.

Mischievous

Between your Dad and Grandpa, there was no way that you were going to miss out on this trait.  You are always ready to sneak up on some, give them a wet willie (thanks Uncle Derran), a wedgie (thanks Auntie Carrie) or close the book they are reading in a way that they can't find their page again (thank Grandpa). When you get that twinkle in your eye and grin on your face we all know to be ready for a prank. 

An Entertainer

Going hand in hand with your mischief is your sense of humour.  You are always ready to laugh with others and take a special interest in making others laugh.  In the past year this has been especially apparent with your cousin Austen.  He finds you hilarious and you will do anything to make him laugh.  You are even trying to help Nico understand your humour, but at two months it is still a little beyond him.  Keep it up, buddy and soon he will catch on and reward you with all the laughs you so love to hear.  You have also been working on understanding knock-knock jokes, although your punch lines still need a little work.  In the past few months you  have been working on using this wonderful skill as a way to smooth things over when you are getting in trouble from Mommy and Daddy.  Sometimes it is 'too little, too late' and we worry that you do not understand that we are upset, but more often than not we have to hide our smiles as we turn our backs to you so you still take our reprimands seriously.  Oh Kai, I hope life continues to be so entertaining for you and us.

Sensitive

Hidden behind your confident, outgoing personality is a sensitive side.  You hate when we are upset with you and when you know you really did something wrong, you hide away in embarrassment. Often you go under my desk or in the closet and have to be gently talked out.  You don't like getting things wrong and are using 'That makes me sad.' a lot when things don't go your way.  I am so glad you are learning to use your words, buddy, and I hope you always feel comfortable expressing yourself to us.  However, I also hope that you understand that everyone makes mistakes and they are important to learning.

You are also very aware of behaviour in school or on the playground.  When someone does something you don't like, you are good at asking them to 'Please stop', but when you are feeling left out you get so sad and cannot understand it. As you grow and are now at a school with bigger boys with whom you so desperately want to play, it is sometimes difficult for me to watch when you aren't included, but this too is a part of life and I know that in a few minutes you will be laughing and making new friends again.  I am thankful you like to talk to us about what is happening still and we can work these things out together.  We love you so much.

Full of Life

Since you first came into our lives, there has not been a dull moment.  You always have a need to be on the go, and the first thing you ask me when we get home from a day at daycare or school is, "Can I have a play date?", as if you haven't had one all day.  Your energy level is admirable and seemingly endless.  This has been really good for me as you remind me how good it feels to get out and explore, and it has challenged me to find new parks and activities.  This summer was exceptionally special for me as I got to hang out with you every day.  We made a trip to the cabin up at Comox Lake with Grandma, Grandpa and Lizzie, spent time in Chilliwack and did day trips in the city.  You even went down your first waterslide at Granville Island all by yourself.  I wasn't sure you were going to do it as you have never been a big fan of water, but you walked up those stairs bravely by yourself and came out with a smile on your face and told me you did not want to do that again.

You also had some defining moments for me when you attended Pedal Heads bike camp and swimming lessons.  The first day of Pedal Heads we were going down a hill on the way there and your feet fell off the pedals.  You panicked and started screaming but luckily stopped without an accident.  You were so scared and were adamant that you hated biking and would not go to camp.  It took half an hour of watching and a great teacher until you joined, but by the end of the week you were showing off your new moves and biking with so much more confidence.  I was so proud of you to keep trying in spite of your fear.

As I mentioned before, you have never been a great fan of water, but for some reason this year you turned a corner.  You went to swimming lessons every day for two weeks and I could not believe how brave you were.  Last year it took days to get you into the water before the lesson was half over and this year you just couldn't wait to get in.  You put your face in, you kicked off the island to blow bubbles and kick your feet, and your body finally relaxed when laying on your back.  Perhaps it was the new goggles, but I think you just made up your mind that this was time to start and you were ready.  A huge step for you and it made me smile every day.

Part of Us

You are such an easy going, well-rounded boy. You love everything from art and baking to bike riding and building Lego. You share both the qualities of your Dad and me.  You have your Dad's sense of fun and mischief mixed in with some of my caution.  You share both of our love of activity and sports, as well as the willingness to give almost anything a try at least once.  Some of the crazy stunts you and your Dad like to pull and the wild games you play make me want to put safety pillows all around, but I don't because even if you get hurt I know you'll handle it well and when asked how you are, you'll respond, "Never better!" You are an amazing kid and I can't wait to see what else we will learn about you in the coming year.

Happy 5th Birthday, Monkey!

Vulnerability and Control

Last week I visited a friend/ex-colleague in the hospital after he had to have a benign tumour removed from his spine.  Due to the expertise of the doctors (and perhaps a little bit of luck), he came through the surgery with flying colours and is home on the mend.  Illness and disease has surrounded us recently, with so many friends and relatives, and friends of relatives, having to battle to keep their health and livelihood.  It has me thinking of a few things - both the nature of illness and how this is accelerated in our culture; and what we can do to work towards optimal health of body, mind and emotions.

On his way home from the hospital for a check-up, this friend brought me a book by Brene Brown called Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.  He warned me that most people he had given the book to had only been able to read five pages at a time before they needed to it down to process.  I made it through two.  There is an excerpt in these first few pages that hit home.  Brene is talking to a therapist:

"I hate how [vulnerability] makes me feel."

"What does it feel like?"

"Like I'm coming out of my skin.  Like I need to fix whatever's happening and make it better."...

"So what do you do?"

"Clean the house.  Eat peanut butter. Blame people. Make everything around me perfect.  Control whatever I can - whatever's not nailed down....Can you give me some homework or something?  Shall I review the data?"

"No data and no homework.  No assignments or gold stars in here.  Less thinking.  More feeling."

After the delivery of our first child, I had postpartum depression. I have had depression before and it is also in my family history.  So with the birth of our second child, one of my priorities was to make choices that ensured I felt healthy not only in body, but mentally and emotionally as well.  I know that feeling a lack of control contributes to feeling unhealthy.  So, yes, I am guilty of researching, looking at studies and reading blogs to learn about others experiences and what worked for them.  Yes, I over think, but perhaps it is sometimes because I feel too much.  Perhaps rather than succumbing to the emotions, I get afraid of what that letting go will result in and forget to trust myself.  I do know that if I give myself time to process, to write it out, I can bring myself back to a state of calm and trust.  But let's be real...with a 5-year old and a newborn, who has time to eat and shower never mind to process and write.  So rather than run to Google or Chapters next time I am overwhelmed to find a fix from someone else's experience, I hope to choose myself.  To trust myself to know what is best for me and my family.  To slow down and breathe.  To accept vulnerability and let go of control, at least for this moment.  I know deep down that this will keep me a healthier person and suspect that less dis-ease would pervade our society if we all could do just the same.

Kai Right Now

My loving Kai,

Here is a brief snapshot of you today:

1. You are all over the place right now trying to figure out boundaries and emotions. 

2.  "I feel sad."  About so many things, but mostly when you do not get what you want: dessert when you have not eaten much dinner; video time when you have had an hour already; a play date when we just came home from one...and then the usual sad-making stuff such as getting hurt or seeing others get hurt.

3.  Testing to see if when one adult says no then perhaps the other will say yes.  Hint: We know what you are doing!

4.  Defiance:  "I don't want to.  I'm not going to."

5.  Lying: telling us you have flushed the toilet and washed your hands when obviously you have done neither; toys that are appearing in your pocket after school that your teacher 'said you could have'.  Hmmm....

6.  Play dates, play dates and more play dates.  You can never have enough in a day.

7.  Obsessed with videos and video games.  Okay, we may have played a part of this one.  Between your gaming dad and a mom with a newborn, the more video time you get, the more you want.

8.  Incredible imagination.  Between the journal writing at school and the story telling at home, you never cease to amaze me.  Often right now you are playing with your stuffy families and making up stories about their lives.  I LOVE it.

9.  Bike riding...for fun, you can't get enough.  You and your dad have had a few guys days bike trips up to Mount Seymour and you can ride forever.

10.  Helpful.  You are always and have always been so willing to help.  Yes, you have to be reminded to put away your things and pack up your plate and cup after dinner, but you also make sure to contribute on your own.  Either way you are learning to be part of the family in more ways. 

11.  Loving.  This never changes even now, in your first real boundary-pushing stage.  I love that about you, my wonderful boy. Keep this quality forever.

Kai is Thankful For...

I am thankful for my mom because she has babies.
I am thankful for my dad because he wrestles.
I am thankful for Nico because he is sleepy.

(I forgot to write the beginning for this part, so I assume it is why we are thankful for Kai)

I share pets.

I am taking care of my pets.
I am able to wash dishes.

I am thankful for my friend because they share toys with me.
I am thankful when they let me go on their skateboard.

Saying Yes: Day Two - My Boys

Thank you for this moment...both boys chilling.  Kai painting, Nico checking out the lights.  Followed by reading two books together.  Perfect

Saying Yes: Day Three

Another day has come and gone, moments have passed and lessons have been learned...

Today the theme seemed to be 'reinventing life'.  Every major change in our lives brings with it the necessity to reflect upon what is truly important and to define priorities each new moment.  For that is what life seems to be...a series of moments that subtly (or not so subtly with a newborn) reshape our entire existence. Sometimes the path is clearly defined, but more often it is like trying to look through your windshield in a rainstorm to find the road ahead.

The first moment noticed today was very early, starting at 3:30 a.m. and lasting until 7...I am learning that moments vary in length.  Nico was awake and in obvious discomfort, sleeping only snippets at a time, and mostly on top of me.  I was aware that with this being our last child who will be in my arms that moments like these are precious, however unplanned and inconvenient they seem at the time.

Later in the day I gave in to the realization that Nico just truly sleeps better while in contact with me.  So with my back aching I headed to the grocery store and upon my return proceeded to cook dinner in the morning.  I felt so accomplished, especially knowing that it would bring peace and ease to all of our lives come 5:30.

The next moment occurred upon my my walk to pick up Kai from school.  The sun shone, the birds sang and so many vivid flowers were in bloom.  A brightness in a run of rainy Vancouver days, in a season of overcast skies.  It was appreciated.

A day of saying yes to just being and enjoying.

Ode to Technology

I could write a poem here, but let's face it - I've been up since 3:30 a.m. and it would not be pretty.  So instead I will just say a few thank yous.

Thank you to...my bathroom fan for calming Nico down when nothing else works, and even when something else might work, the fan is much faster.

Thank  you to... my smart phone for entertaining me both during middle of the night feeds and on the occasion that Nico falls asleep on me and I don't, for the love of sanity, dare wake him up.

Thank you to...the invention of the baby carrier.  It has not only given my sweet baby a place to nap for long hours but has allowed me to feed him while walking Kai to school, wash some dishes and get some writing down.  Yes, my back is killing me, but it is a small price to pay for some quiet, personal time.  (Note: not really sure if this one qualifies for technology, but I'm thankful nonetheless.)

Thank you to...our new dishwasher.  Yes, we overwork you, but you have our undying love.

Lastly, for now, thank you to...our computer and the invention of the world wide web, for bringing me Netflix to add some variety to what can sometimes be a monotonous (although taxing) day.

Technology, oh
technology, thank you for the peace you bring to my life.

The Bonds of Motherhood

It seems that I am drawn to a sense of community.  I spent my graduate studies continually returning to the importance of community in schools and classrooms.  On a weekly basis at least I return to or have a visit from a member of my close-knit family.  And I never underestimate the power of my community of parents.

Today I went for tea with a girlfriend I met just over five years ago in a prenatal class. We were in labour at the same time in the same hospital. She is one of the eight of us I refer to as my Mama's Group. Two of the gals weren't in our original prenatal class and some others were but we haven't seen them in years. Regardless, this group of women have become my heroes. They have gone from strangers to the people I desperately text when I need a sanity break or a night out. We have laughed together, cried on each other's shoulders, worked out together and had too many drinks together. Yes, we all have other social circles but we are there for each other when it counts. We have always valued the relationships we have built as a group, but I have come once again to realize how blessed I am to have them in my life since the birth of my second child. As I was the last one of us to have a second child, they already knew how important it was to have a meal train set up and were the first to sign up to bring us dinner after we got home from the hospital. When they visit with a gift for my newborn they also bring one for my five year old or take him out for a play date so he can have some attention and we can rest. They pass on lessons they had learned from having multiple children. They meet me for tea when I need to talk to someone who knows what I am going through.

They started as my Mom's Group but are now women whom I admire, trust and love like sisters. Ladies, you are amazing and I am so lucky to call you my friends.

Saying yes to this moment

I am joining Liz Lamoreux in her 10 day blog adventure to saying yes to this moment. Life is full right now, learning to adapt to another huge change with the addition of another sweet little boy and the start of kindergarten for the big one. It is easy to get lost in the chaos of it all. So for at least the next ten days I am going to try to enjoy every moment, even the challenging ones. 


Yesterday, on day 1, we were encouraged to just breathe. Today the moment to remember is in the photo. Another rainy fall day and I was on my way home from our daily journey to take Kai to school with Nico in the stroller. I have just recently begun making a thermos of hot chocolate to drink when we get to Kai's school, as it is a good length walk in the cold and rain and Kai needs something to keep him going. This morning we had run out of milk so we decided to leave a bit earlier and get one from a nearby cafe. As kids do, Kai was dawdling and enjoying sipping his special drink. At his pace we would be late for school. Amidst the continual reminders for kai to "Hurry up or we'd be late," I reminded myself to say yes to the moment and enjoy Kai's contentment. Aaahhh... much more peaceful now.

 After dropping him off (on time, funny enough) I began my walk home. Within five minutes Nico was crying. Any other day I would have felt some anxiety to soothe him, and stopped to put him in the carrier where I know he is happier. However, in the pouring rain this was not an option. Realizing there was no way out of this situation, I calmly reassured us both that everything would be fine and paused to silently embrace the moment. I had on my new rain boots, Nico was cozy in our stroller, the rain was soothing and refreshing, and the grass beside me was a vivid green. I was calm in what would have been an emotional storm with my first born. It felt amazing.

Hush, little baby...

The first 12 days were dreamy - eat, have awake time, fall asleep peacefully on me until I easily put you down in your bassinette to sleep for a few hours.  Repeat.  Then you turned 13 days old... For some reason, now you need a body to sleep on.  Swaddle or no swaddle? Wait 15 minutes before I put you down or 30? I know, preferably not at all! Just like your big brother, you know what you want. But this time around I will go with the flow...

A New Chapter

Kai turned 5 and has started Kindergarten.  Nico is 12 days old.  Thanks to my amazing husband, I am actually awake enough to write.  To say it has been an interesting few weeks is an understatement.  I remember so much about having a newborn baby, yet at the same time I seem to remember so little.  So much is the same as with Kai, yet so much is amazingly different.  It makes me wonder how much my two wonderful boys will share in terms of appearance and personality.

Thus far, despite their almost identical appearance and appetite, Nico is as chill as Kai is excitable - both in the womb and out.  However, I don't mean to go on about comparisons as much as reflect upon the change this will bring to our lives.  Already I have noticed how much more accepting I am about the time and attention demands of a newborn that so easily frustrated me the first time around.  The 45-minute rocking that leads to a half hour nap, with a wake-up in the middle.  The continual cycle of feed, rock, short sleep, soothe.  I suppose I have gotten used to the constant needs of a little boy with Kai and have become much more relaxed myself in all areas of my life.  I am also becoming more willing to let go of the way things 'should be.'  Not completely, as I am a personal of routine and schedule by nature and like things organized and predictable, but I am learning.  Whereas with my firstborn, his constant needs frustrated me and made me feel trapped, I am learning that for this year, the only job I have is to be a mom.  To enjoy hanging out with my boys, whether that may be continuous hours of holding Nico while he sleeps or taking some time out to have cuddles or playtime with Kai.  It is rare to get such focused time and although I am used to multitasking and having time for myself on a nightly basis in some form or another, with Kai about to start full days at Kindergarten I will have time to enjoy the warmth of a sleeping baby on me without rushing to get things done.  I am trying to remember that everything else will wait until my wee one learns how to sleep alone and play independently for short periods of time.  With Kai, I wanted to rush to have some sense of control again, but perhaps this time I can surrender to the roller coaster ride of parenting a newborn.

Another huge area of awareness for me is how much community support makes a difference.  I have always valued my family and friends, but with the addition of a baby to an already incredibly active 5 year old who is used to being the center of our lives, I treasure every meal that gets dropped off at our house and every offer of a play date.  In fact, I wish I had had a second child before my friends were all having theirs, as I definitely did not understand the simple ways that I could have made their days smoother.  To all my incredibly thoughtful friends and family, thank you so much for all you do.  I love you all so much.

While being grateful for those living outside my house, I would be enormously amiss if I did not pause to appreciate my incredible husband.  Throughout my pregnancy he allowed me to take care of myself in so many ways.  I went to multiple yoga classes every week, had time to go for dinner and dates with my friends, I traveled and every weekend, he took Kai on a lengthy adventure to give me and my growing baby time to rest.  I feel so much stronger physically, mentally and emotionally after birthing Nico in large part due to Marc's willingness to let me do what I needed to do.  In the past few weeks he has also taken on nighttime feedings and supported me in my decision to bottle-feed, in order to preserve my physical and mental health.  As anyone reading this probably knows, I struggled with both unbearable pain breastfeeding and with postpartum depression after my first child. Although few people seem to really understand my decision to use formula with Nico (and for some reason, people seem quite comfortable making a judgement), Marc has supported me 100% as he understands my decision was made with my family in mind.  I could never express how much this has meant to me.

This is a time of change for Kai as well.  Ending daycare, starting Kindergarten, house renovations and a new baby brother all in the span of a few weeks.  All things considered, he is handling it fantastically well.  Yes, he feels a little house bound and is having to adjust to entertainment from the couch while we feed Nico.  Yes, he is not listening as well and his behaviour has become increasingly rude and defiant.  The number of times he has muttered 'stupid' to himself and ignored what we have told him to do can no longer be counted on both hands.  However, he has been an excellent kid for so many years, allowing us to almost completely skip the terrible twos, threes and fours and dramatic tantrums that I often hear about from my friends.  He has always been happy, enthusiastic, easygoing and easy to distract.  As much as we are frustrated by him right now, he is just as frustrated with us.  Perhaps it is my experience as a teacher or a the new found sense of calm that yoga has brought to my life, but I have faith that with some time, a lot of love and the continuation of clear values and boundaries, we can all work through this transition together.

Nico: The Story of Your Birth

What a precious little bundle you are.  It was not an easy entry into the world for you, but we are so glad you have joined us.

It was a relatively easy pregnancy with you.  You were a very chill baby who preferred to roll rather than kick for most of the 9 months.  Unlike your brother, you did not wake up just as I laid down to sleep, but seemed relaxed.  Although I did not sleep much at night, it rarely seemed to make me tired during the day and I still had enough energy to keep up with your big brother, do yoga multiple times a week and visit with friends and family.  I am thankful for this as it seems that this energy has stayed since your arrival.

Your ability to be laid back in utero perhaps is what prompted you to hang out inside me for a good week past your due date.  You surprised everyone by this, as second children are often born earlier than the first.  So, a week after your were due to join us, I met my midwife Annie at the hospital to do some tests to ensure you were still thriving.  After being hooked up to the fetal heartrate monitor for almost the necessary 20 minutes, your heart rate plummeted down to the 70s, which put everyone on alert.  I had to stay on the monitor for another few hours just to make sure you were okay - which you appeared to be.  However, because of this drop and the fact that I would be induced in three days anyway, it was suggested that I remain in the hospital and do an oxytocin challenge test.  This basically gives me contractions and checks that you will be able to endure labour.  You pulled through the test with flying colours, but we decided to be induced so I was given prostoglandin and send home 11 hours after arrival. 

That night I slept a luxurious six hours before waking up and feeling some minor contractions begin.  I finally texted my midwife around 11 a.m., saying my contractions were close together and she agreed to meet me at the hospital to check if I was dilating yet.  By 11:10 your Grandma and Grandpa had arrived to take care of Kai and your dad and I rushed to the hospital.  By the time we arrived I was 7 cm dilated and in full labour.  As the labour was progressing so quickly I was not able to get any painkillers beyond nitrous oxide.  Although you only took two hours to join us from this point, it was a tough two hours for both of us.  We were both willing and working hard, but you had the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck twice which kept making your heart rate plummet but it was slow to return to normal.  When my water finally broke they had to bring in a OB-GYN and when I looked up at one point the room was filled was all kinds of medical staff.  It seemed like there were over a dozen people there, so I knew it was serious.  After the doctor attempted a vacuum delivery and then having to use forceps, you finally joined us, happy and healthy.  It took a few hours for the doctors to make sure that both of us were alright and for my arms to stop shaking from adrenalin so I could hold you.  Luckily, your dad, grandma and grandpa all got to spend that time cuddling with you and getting to know you.  I am so glad you were, and always will be, surrounded by family.

After a restful, quiet night in the hospital, the next day we finally got to bring you home.  What a loving, sweet bundle you were.  Welcome to our family, little Nico.

Today:: July 25, 2013

Outside my window... is a freshly cut lawn, a bucket of water with assorted squirt guns ready to go, and a beautiful sunny day.

I am thinking... that it would be nice to sit outside and write this, but the battery on my laptop doesn't work properly.

From the kitchen...oh, our beautiful kitchen.  Newly renovated, with a long open counter top, and a pristine cook top and built-in oven.  From the kitchen comes peace and possibility.

I am wearing... a comfortable khaki skirt and a bright maternity shirt that sits snug across my bursting belly.

I am creating... time to write and reflect in the few moments when my head seems to be clear and my space quiet.

I am also creating...decorations and paraphernalia for Kai's birthday - glow-in-the-dark slime, ooze, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pinata, treat bags...

I am going... to get a long overdue pedicure today.  Aaahhhh...

I am reading...very little right now.  I just got a set of Lisa See books that I would like to start and am listening to an audiobook, but mostly I'm just getting things done and resting in turn.

I am hoping...that I get a few more weeks to enjoy the peace and ease of a beautiful summer before our sweet new little one comes along.

I am hearing... very little.  A great sign.

Around the house...Kai's party preparations on the go, the kitchen awaiting a few paint touch-ups and a pendant lamp before the renos are officially complete, more organization than I have felt in a long time.

One of my favourite...moments is carving out some time to write.  I wish I was in the mental space to do it more regularly.  Often my pregnancy brain is fuzzy, as I expect again my new mommy brain will be soon enough.  Just a moment here or there to think about and appreciate the little things and people surrounding me.

A few plans for the rest of the week... a positional ultrasound to tell where this little one is laying, baking cupcakes, a backyard party.  How I love summer!

Vegucated

Last night I watched an hour long documentary on Veganism.  The producer challenged three New York City residents to take on becoming vegans for six weeks.  As I watched it, I began to remember why I make some of the choices I do and I was challenged to further consider adopting even better eating habits. 

This was not the first such documentary I have watched.  I have seen Forks Over Knives, Food, Inc. and many similarly-themed videos and TED talks.  We have long tried to purchase ethical food, organic fruit and vegetables and non-medicated, free range meat.  We rarely eat red meat, and since Kai's birth, we definitely have taken strides to eat more balanced, vegetable-inclusive meals.  Do I occasionally still get tempted by the great bargain meat at Costco? Absolutely.  Do I still enjoy dairy in all its forms?  Yes.  However, Vegucated has made me reevaluate these choices.  Do we need dairy in our diets?  I still need to see the research.  Are copious amounts of soy-based products to replace meat and dairy healthy?  Again, need to check into this.  I want to make conscious choices and I appreciated the brain-rattling that documentaries give me.

Many things these days seem out of our control.  From the installation of new Smart meters to the 'cleanliness' of the air we breathe, our environment is affected by each and every one of our decisions.  We do many little actions on a daily basis that help or harm our surroundings.  In becoming more aware of my actions, I will continue to strive to understand the effect of our food on our bodies, animals, and the environment step by step and continue to slowly make positive changes to my habits.  Do I always make the perfect choice? Absolutely not, but I do my best with the knowledge and tools I have.

Proud Mama

The little moments sneak up of me.  The moments that are unexpected.  The ones that make me so proud.  Perhaps I don’t give Kai enough credit, or perhaps I have seen him around water so much that I make assumptions.  Kai has never been a water baby.  At 4 ½ he still doesn’t like to get his face wet in the shower.  So imagine my surprise and awe when he put on his swimsuit at our place in La Mesa and joined Oliver (and their daddies) in the swimming pool.  Once he found that kickboard, he was happy as a clam, splashing around and playing.  And then the next day, going on a water tube ride at Sea World.  Followed up by a roller coaster at Legoland! 

Kai has always been adventurous, but now there is no question that I am more nervous for him than he is...

I am so proud of you, my little guy.  Keep stepping into adventure.